What Happily Married Couples Do

Do What Happily Married People Do

The law of a happy marriage: “If you want a great marriage, you must do what happily married people do.” Couples having difficulty in marriage have a two-fold problem:

- they have lost the Spirit of the Lord in their relationship; and,

- they are not doing the kinds of activities together that would bring them closer.

Perhaps it would be helpful just to review what happily married couples do to keep a marriage vibrant and meaningful for both partners.  This list is not exhaustive.

Be Each Other’s Therapist

You are the best therapist. No counselor or outsider knows the two of you any better than you two do!  You know each other’s likes and dislikes, what is ‘therapeutic’ for both of you and you have the agency to carry out that therapy.  What does a ‘good’ therapist do? 

-Listens to understand (not to solve unless asked);

-Provides new ‘eyes’ to deal with situations;

-Encourages different outcomes than those of the past;

-Compliments on progress;

-Is patient, kind, non-judgmental as a listener;

-Helps you think things through and come to the best solution.

A Babysitter is Cheaper than a Divorce

Date frequently. Friday evenings should find you out together (or the one in charge rotates) to obtain relief from parenting and the ‘daily grind.’ Both of you need to get away in a relaxing way to renew your relationship.  New perspectives come with time away from the usual schedule.  Use in-laws or neighbors to watch children while you two get away for a mini-vacation.  If broke, exchange childcare with neighbors or other couples for different date nights.

Have Christ-like Attributes

Christ-like attributes are essential to marital interaction. When you have a disagreement, it is important that each realizes that each plays a part in the problem and you both must be responsible in resolving it.  Human beings like to justify their behavior and it is often hard to take the side of the other person and realize that there are usually more ways than one to look at a problem.  Without humility and kindness, couples tend to make mountains out of molehills.

Eliminate Anger

Anger is a great destroyer of marriages and families. Anger and temper displays are not of God but of the devil (see 3 Nephi 11:29-30). The penalty one pays by displaying anger is that those around you, especially family members, will not share their deepest thoughts and feelings because they fear you may become upset and punitive with the information you receive.  Superficial relationships are a curse because that level of communication does not create positive emotions and feelings between spouses.

Give an Abundance of Hugs, Kisses, and Winks

Showing non-sexual affection is essential to happiness. We all have a need to feel love, cherished, needed, wanted, etc.  Caring touches and gentle caresses are important parts of marriage.  Foot and neck massages are wonderful ways to relieve stress and send love messages to each other.

Share Life in Depth

Have comfortable talking together times. Couples need time together just to talk about marriage, family, career, church jobs, children, feelings about ward/neighborhood, couple goals, calendar, etc. You both must feel comfortable risking feelings and thoughts with each other without fear of put-downs or criticism. Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels.

Sexual Intimacy Keeps You “In Love”

Sexual relations were designed by the Lord as a ‘sacrament’ to renew marriage covenants, provide a measure of therapy, and keep you two ‘in love.’ It is important that you meet each other’s needs in the area of intimacy. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you find time for physical and emotional strengthening.  Intimacy is not to be used or abused by offering a mere pittance, nor is it on demand.  This is your spouse, companion, confidante, lover, and therapist all rolled into one and the privilege of sharing your masculine-feminine traits in wholesome ways should be a frequent occurrence.  Of course the marriage must be healthy if this aspect is to strengthen both of you.  Sexual relations are not to be used to punish nor as a weapon to hurt or seek revenge or as a reward for ‘good behavior’.  Be creative and spontaneous and don’t insist on any behavior offensive to your spouse.  Talk openly with your spouse about sexual intimacy.

Gospel Principle:

“A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of your spouse!” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “What God Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991, pg. 74.)

Additional Information:

A great 60 second Mormon.org Video: Blockbuster

Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006, pp. 36–38.

Dr. Doug Brinley

Dr. Doug Brinley is a retired professor in Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University. He is the author or co-author of nine books on marriage and family relations. He has a DVD entitled Marital Relations Seminar.  He instituted the LDS Marriage and Family course in the religion department at BYU  in 1995.  It has now become one of the most popular religion classes at  BYU.  He and his wife, Geri, live in Provo and are the parents of six children.