He was 73 and has had many Church leadership positions. Up until a few days ago he had been a veil worker at the LDS temple.  He had children and grandchildren who loved and supported him.  (It was easy to see why, he was gentle and kind.)

I noticed a bruise on his cheek.

He told me he had been beat up while he was in jail last week.   He innocently told other inmates his charges – two felony counts of sexual abuse of a child. Jailers moved  him to “secure” for safety until his family bailed him out.

He explained, “I had been tickling my granddaughters.”

Yes, They are Our Neighbors

Most individuals whom I’ve seen because of sexually offending behavior have looked like the people with whom I go to Church!  (And unfortunately on occasion they have been.)

Look at these headlines:

Mormon scoutmaster Jack LaHolt sexually abused children

Former LDS seminary principal pleads guilty to sex abuse charges

Former Mormon stake president pleads guilty in sex solicitation

See the “Sex Offenders” living near you.

National Sex Offender Public Website

I found five.

Why?

Most of us have a hard time understanding how an active member of the LDS Church ends up offending sexually.

David B. Haight explains one possible reason, “What impels these offenders to such terrible deeds…

… growing presence of obscenity has been aided by the lowering of media standards for advertising, by relaxed movie ratings, by television soap operas and situation comedies that use their powerful voices to justify, glamorize, and encourage sexual relations outside of marriage.” (“Personal Morality,” Ensign, Nov. 1984.)

Tickling My Granddaughters

“When one falls into deep sin there apparently are only these two alternative courses available, to repent and do what is necessary to clean it all up  or to rationalize away the consequences and the sting of conscience.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 220.)

Based on my evaluation, it was clear Brother Jones intentionally fondled the private areas of his granddaughters for sexual gratification. Describing his behavior as innocent “tickling” was simply an example of “rationalization,” “Tickling” of grandchildren is innocent and expected of a grandpa and okay as a temple worker.  “Molesting” is not.  

Forgiveness Does Not Remove the Consequences of Sin

The Church’s position includes:

Simply put, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to child abusers.  The Church cooperates fully with law enforcement in investigating incidents of child abuse and bringing perpetrators to justice. President Hinckley has said: “Our hearts reach out to the offender, but we cannot tolerate the sin of which he may be guilty.  Where there has been offense, there is a penalty. …Can child abusers who have paid the legal price for their crimes and gone through a rigorous repentance process with local Church leaders become members of the Church again? Yes. As Christians, we believe in forgiveness.  But can they ever again, in their lifetime, serve in any capacity that would put them in direct contact with children?  Absolutely not.  Forgiveness does not remove the consequences of sin. (Public Issues at LDS.org)

Since 1995 the Church has placed a confidential annotation on the membership record of members who previously abused children.

Brother Jones Goes to Prison

As Brother Jones and I embraced for the last time, he acknowledged he molested his granddaughters and needed help.  We discussed the fact he’d likely be going to prison for quite sometime and would receive help while incarcerated.

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse… Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke.  Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others … But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life … You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another’s life … (Richard G. Scott, “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Ensign, May 2008).

Gospel Principle

Sexual abuse of children is a very serious sin.  For those having offended sexually, steps of repentance are long, difficult and painful.

Additional Information

- Scriptures Luke 17: 2 and D&C 121: 22.

- Richard G. Scott, “Finding Forgiveness,” Ensign, May 1995.

- Sites to help those with sexual problems:

Candeo – This site provides proven methods and tools based on actual brain science that will empower you to stop your unwanted pornography viewing and masturbation.

Sexhelp.com - This site was created by noted psychologist and author, Dr. Patrick Carnes, to help those affected by sexual addiction and compulsivity, whether it be the addict or the friend or loved one of the addict.

Preston, a recovering drug addict, said,

“I was raised in the LDS Church, but at the age of 14 I started using drugs and alcohol. The decision to use turned into a 17-year addiction problem. Then, when I was 31 years old, I located an ARP (LDS Alcohol Recovery Program) group in my area. The ARP meeting has helped me to stay clean for the past four years. It is a wonderful program!  It provides an avenue for addicts to become clean and to get involved in the Church again.”

The Addiction Recovery Program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues to bless the lives of thousands of individuals and families affected by the tragic consequences of addiction.  The program offers recovery meetings designed to help individuals and families successfully live in recovery from addiction by drawing on the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

LDS Addicton Recovery Support Groups

From Portland to Parowan, Melbourne to Monterrey, and Dublin to Delaware, addiction recovery meetings can now be found around the world. To identify the times and locations of meetings closest to you, click  here on “Addiction Recovery Support Groups.”

Some key features of the Addiction Recovery Program are outlined below:

- Recovery meetings are held in Church buildings and typically last 60 to 90 minutes.

- Recovery meetings operate under the direction of local priesthood leaders with orientation, training, and support from LDS Family Services.

- Recovery meetings are based on gospel principles which help participants make and keep sacred covenants.

- The original Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have been adapted into a framework of the doctrines, principles, and beliefs of the Church and are outlined in the workbook:  A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing.  This Guide is used in every meeting.

- Experienced program leaders create a safe environment in each recovery meeting where participants encourage one another by sharing experiences of faith and hope.

- Recovery meetings are free, anonymous and confidential.           No referral is needed.

- Recovery meetings address any kind of addiction that can include the use of substances such as tobacco, alcohol, coffee, tea, and drugs (both prescription and illegal), and behaviors such as gambling, codependency, viewing pornography, inappropriate sexual behavior, and compulsive eating.

- Most meetings are termed “General Addiction Recovery Groups” but addiction specific groups are also offered in some locations.  They include: “Pornography Addiction Recovery Groups (for Men)”, “Pornography Addiction Recovery Groups (for Women)”, and “Unhealthy Eating Patterns Recovery Groups.”

- “Family Support Groups” and “Pornography Addiction Support Groups (for Spouses)” are also offered in some locations.

Recovery and Healing Manual Available

A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing manual can be:

1) Purchased through Church Distribution (Item #36764)

2) Downloaded for free in PDF format at  PDF Version - Guide To Recovery and Healing. It is available in multiple languages.

3) Downloaded for free in audio version at Audio Version – A Guide To Recovery and Healing.

Your Spiritual Reality

Elder Bruce C. Hafen once noted:

“I ask you to take every possible step, every day, to align your physical and emotional life with the spiritual reality of who you really are.  Even if you can open only a tiny space for God’s influence in your life now, open it up, all that you can.  Say ‘yes’ to Him, over and over, and He will help you make ever more room for Him in your heart.  Then your confidence will grow—not only in Him, but in yourself. ” (From an address given at the Evergreen International annual conference on September 19, 2009.)

The Addiction Recovery Program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will direct you in taking those steps that will help you align your life with the Spirit in such a way that truly living in recovery every day will become your own miracle and your own reality!

Gospel Principle

The Church has an addiction recovery program that has been adapted from the original Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous into a framework of the doctrines and beliefs of the Church.  These 12 steps are found in A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, which is available to priesthood leaders and other members.

Additional Resources

Lia McClanahan, “Addiction Recovery: Healing One Step at a Time,” Ensign, Jun. 2009.

James E. Faust, “The Power to Change,” Ensign, Nov. 2007.

By J. Douglas LeCheminant, LCSW. Counseling Program Manager For LDS Family Services.

If you or someone you love is struggling with pornography, there is a new resource. This week The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints launched their official site:

Combating Pornography: Replacing Darkness with Light

The site contains resources for five audiences:  Individuals, Parents, Spouses, Youth, and Leaders. And four levels of resources for each audience: Prevent, Recognize, Overcome, and Support.

Here is a brief tour.

Safeguarding Our Homes

Preventing a pornography problem is easier than overcoming one. Spouses can play a key role in preventing the painful effects of a pornography addiction. The Prevention area for Spouses provides a variety of articles including brief videos. One article by LDS Family Services is entitled Safeguarding Our Homes, Protecting Our Children. The article lists the following seven steps a spouse can take to prevent a spouse from using pornography:

1. Make Good Media Choices

2. Use Filters

3. Spend Enough Quality Time With Children

4. Limit the Amount of Time Children Watch Media

5. Do Not Have TVs and Computers in a Private Place

6. Hold Family Councils

7. Take Time to Watch Appropriate Media

Shrinkage of Cerebral Cortex

The Recognize area for Leaders provides hints on how to know if someone is suffering from an addiction to pornography.  This section contains excellent resources in understanding the power of addiction. In particular, the article by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD “Understanding the Addictive Nature of Pornography“ teaches about the actual shrinkage of the brain’s cerebral cortex with pornography addiction.  This article is presented along with a brief Related Video by Elder Dallin H. Oaks reminding us that the brain won’t vomit back filth (see also “Pornography“ Ensign, May 2005, 87–90).

Help and Support for Youth

In the Support area for Youth there is a section “In Their Own Words”  containing two brief MP3 downloads of young men sharing excerpts from their addiction recovery stories. Also in this section there is a list of five sources that would benefit a young person struggling with pornography. They are:

1. Family Members

2. Recovery Meetings

3. Professional Counselors

4. Ecclesiastical Support

5. A Support Person.

Steps You Can Take Now To Overcome

The Overcome area for Individuals with a pornography problem provides a variety of resources including the “Relapse Analysis Form.” Struggling members can use this form to help analyze their relapse and, by doing so, help them avoid making the same mistake again. The form contains 10 questions a viewer of pornography asks about the last time they viewed pornography and what they might learn from the situation. This Overcoming section for Individuals with an addiction problem also sends the reader off the Church Website to Geoff Steurer’s article A Road Map for Recovery: Leaving Pornography Addiction and Discovering Life on Meridian Magazine.

Gospel Principle

If you or someone you love is struggling with pornography, there is hope. The Church’s new Combating Pornography website provides a variety of video, audio and written resources for those members interested and motivated to deal with the problem of pornography.

Most of the calls I used to get concerning marriages were for a variety of difficulties like communication, finances or some similar problem they were facing.

In recent years, however, most phone calls have to do with pornography.

“Dr. Brinley, how do you know if your husband is into pornography?” is a typical caller’s question.

I would ask the spouse why she was suspicious.  I recall one woman responding,

“We don’t have a finished basement, except my husband’s office there.  I went down the other night to kiss him goodnight.  I was not wearing shoes.  As I got close to his office, I heard things that sounded like terrible stuff and I was sure it was pornography.  As soon as I appeared at the doorway, he immediately scrambled to turn the screen off.  It was not facing me – so I could not tell for sure.”

I talked to her about checking the browser on the computer when he was not around.

She did, only to find a list of terrible websites that her husband had accessed. She was devastated.  Her heart was broken.  She was frightened about her and her children’s future.

The Pornography Viewer

The person viewing pornography becomes a victim.

“And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” (D&C 42:23.)

The Marriage

The marriage becomes a victim. I am reminded of the statement by President Hinckley:

“One of the most damning influences on earth, one that has caused uncountable grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages is the onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms,” (Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000).

The Spouse – What does a spouse do about it.  This is a serious matter and a threat to any marriage. There are several approaches I think helpful. This first step is to get some knowledge about pornography. For example, learn the signs of a pornography problem.

Learn the Signs of a Pornography Problem

Sexual additions experts Rory Reid and Dan Gray, in their book Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem, identify 10 signs of an existing problem:

1. Loss of interest in sexual relations or insatiable sexual appetite.
2. Introduction of unusual sexual practices in the relationship.
3. Diminished emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy.
4. Neglect of responsibilities.
5. Increased isolation (such as late night hours on the computer); withdrawal from family.
6. Easily irritated, irregular mood swings.
7. Unexplained absences.
8. Preference for masturbation over sexual relations with spouse.
9. Unexplained financial transactions.
10. Sexual relations that are rigid, rushed, without passion, and detached.

Empower yourself by learning about Pornography at LDS.org, Gospel Topics.

Next, Confront the Pornography User

There are several methods of confronting the problem.   If you react to your spouse in a way where you’re anxious, you’re yelling, crying and screaming, he will much more likely focus in on your emotional reaction rather than what you’re trying to say.  Consider one of the following alternatives:

Express your concern. In the initial confrontation, you could express concern for your spouse’s unusual behavior and explain how you feel about it in a non-blaming way.  Due to the secrecy that accompanies a pornography problem, your spouse may be inclined to deny using it.  This may be in the form of minimizing the behavior with an excuse like, “It just popped up when I was surfing the web,” or “It just happened once.”  They may also completely deny the problem by saying, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” If there is denial try confronting with evidence.

Confront with evidence. In this case you may prefer to be able to bring evidence to the next confrontation. Perhaps it is by bringing pornographic magazines that the user has hidden, by bringing up      specific incidents where the user was caught viewing pornography, or through the installation of a computer program that tracks the internet activity on the computer. Still another type of confrontation is confronting with a support group.

Confront with a support group. Confrontation may also take place in the place of a support system such as your bishop or branch president.  The confrontation should be planned so that the delivery can be non-blaming and create the least amount of defensiveness in the spouse.  It is important to understand that individuals will differ in their readiness to admit they have a problem.  It should not be expected that the user will readily want to come forward with all the details of the problem.                   The user may be defensive no matter how well the message is delivered.

The goal of confrontation is to get the pornography user to recognize there is a problem and to seek help.

Each case if different – it depends on what behaviors have gone on and your personal experiences. The important thing is do something!

“… real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence!  Real love does not support self-destructing behavior,” (Russell M. Nelson “Teach Us Tolerance and Love,” Ensign, May 1994).

Dr. Douglas E. Brinley

Gospel Principle

Pornography destroys the user and the marriage. When pornography use is suspected with a spouse, first learn about the signs of pornography addiction and second confront the pornography user.

Additional Information:

“Breaking the Chains of Pornography,” Ensign, Feb. 2001.

“Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem” by Rory C. Reid, LCSW, and Dan Gray, LCSW.

MSBCN Today Show “Husbands Hooked on Porn” 8 minute video.

Dr. Doug Brinley

Dr. Doug Brinley is a retired professor in Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University. The author or co-author of nine books on marriage and family relations. He has a DVD entitled Marital Relations Seminar.  He instituted the LDS Marriage and Family course in the religion department at BYU back in 1995.  It has now become one of the most popular religion classes at  BYU.  He and his wife, Geri, live in Provo and are the parents of six children.

  During the Summer Season of Addiction substance abusers become experts in hiding and lying about their use.  Even when obvious signs of substance abuse are discovered, the user tends to passionately lie!

Spring Season
  The Spring Season of addiction is characterized by joy and pleasure as illustrated by the following scriptures.  ” … to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season,” Hebrews 11:25 and ” … they have joy in their works for a season … ,” 3 Nephi 27:11.  (See Spring Season of Addiction blog.)

Seasons
  The above scriptures describe sin using the word “season”.  In fact if we continue reading 3 Nephi 27:11 we learn the “joy” season ends “… verily I say unto you they have joy in their works for a season (Spring Season) and by and by the end cometh (Summer Season) …”  The concept of the Lord taking away the “happiness in sin”  is also taught in Mormon 2:13.

  Elder Russell M. Nelson also describes the addiction process as different seasons or stages: 

“From an initial experiment thought to be trivial, a vicious cycle may follow.  From trial comes habit. From habit comes dependence.  From dependence comes addiction. Its grasp is so gradual.  Enslaving shackles of habit are too small to be sensed until they are too strong to be broken,” (“Addiction or Freedom,” New Era, Sept. 1989).

 Summer Season
  Like others in the Summer Season of addiction, Tom began to experience negative consequences- such as being confronted by his father.  Examples of other problems experienced during this season include: increased guilt and shame; lack of money; school and work failure; and relationship conflict with parents, spouse, and old friends.  Nevertheless, despite these occasional problems the substance of choice continues to generate the joy and pleasure.  The user becomes convinced their drug of choice is effective and dependable.

  Tolerance and dishonesty are common characteristics that occur in the Summer Season of addiction.

Tolerance
  Tolerance means it takes more of the same substance to get the same level of pleasure or joy experienced during the Spring Season of addiction. 

  For example, initially a “few tokes of a joint” (hits of a marijuana cigarette) result in an individual experiencing a certain level of joy.  With ongoing use the number of “tokes or joints” needed to get that same level of joy increases.
A lot can be learned by discovering how much of the substance an individual’s body and spirit has learned to handle.  I recall one 95 pound Mia-Maid who when asked about how much alcohol she could handle replied “9 beers and still walk and talk.”  In another case a member of the Elder’s quorum presidency abusing pain pills claimed he could handle “7 Percoets at a time”.

  I knew immediately the tolerance of these two individuals had increased and they have moved into a more problematic season of addiction.  Tolerance is powerful.  People can develop a tolerance to amounts of substances that would otherwise be lethal.

  Tolerance also exists with pornography as noted by the LDS Church First Presidency in the pamphlet For the Strength of Youth. We read:

“Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive.  Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression…” (LDS Church, 1990, pg. 11).

Dishonesty
  The use of substances in the Spring Season of addiction results primarily with disobedience and not significant negative consequences. Nevertheless, the seed of disobedience planted in the Spring always grows into some form of dishonesty.

  The inside joke among substance abuse counselors is:  “How can you tell if an addict is lying?”  The response, “His lips move.”  The fact is “Teens [and adults] in substance-abuse trouble invariably tax their parents’ [and spouses'] patience to the very limit. They [the substance abusers] are almost always deceptive, secretive, manipulative, and belligerent.” (“When a Teenager Uses Drugs or Alcohol: How to Cope …,” Sue Bergin, Ensign, Mar. 1988).

The First Question to Ask
  It’s been my experience Latter-day Saints dealing with a loved-one’s substance abuse are often ignorant. They lack understanding of the addiction process and when and how to effectively intervene.  Clinically we understand the addiction process quite well now days.  For example, we realize the intervention of choice varies depending upon which season of addiction the user is experiencing.  Interventions effective during the Spring Season of addiction often are not effective for those in the Fall Season of addiction.

  One of the first things parents and a spouse must do when confronted with an individual’s drug, alcohol, or pornography use is to ask themselves:  Which season of addiction is he or she in? Are they in a later season requiring outside professional treatment or in the earlier season and an intervention involving the family and church leaders would suffice?

GOSPEL PRINCIPLE: The “Summer Season” of addiction continues to result in joy or pleasure.  Negative consequences and tolerance begin.  The “seed” of disobedience sprouts into dishonesty.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

James R. Goodrich, “Alcohol Addiction: Hope for Understanding and Recovery,” Ensign, Jul. 1981.

“Lesson 39: Drug Abuse,” Young Women Manual 1, (2002).

In response to this pornography crisis we now have thousands of addiction interventions including exclusive treatment programs, a variety of internet filter options, numerous books and podcasts.  All of these resources are aimed to help individuals overcome a pornography addiction.

Just this week I was counseling with another couple with a porn problem. Financially, they were very well to do – the biggest house in the neighborhood, all the toys and cars, etc.  They were married in the temple 3 or 4 kids ago and never missed Church on Sunday.  They looked great on the outside.  But, they were about to lose it all, plus each other.  The wife’s first words to me were, “I hate him.  I want a divorce!” The culprit – her husband’s years of Internet pornography viewing. Like many of my clients, by the time I see them, most have already tried numerous interventions. They have been to counseling, read books, been threatened by their spouse, used Internet filters, tried to improve self-discipline, and even visited with their Church leader.  The end result, the healing had not been complete.  They have come away still with a pornography problem!

Over the years, I have learned programs don’t cure! In particular, traditional pornography addiction interventions, alone — rarely permanently change a serious porn addiction.  Certainly programs and interventions help.  They can provide relief.  They can educate about resources and techniques.  But over time, they are not powerful enough to single handedly conquer the individual’s addicted body, mind and spirit.  Elder Boyd K. Packer reminds us how powerful the enemy really is “Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency.  It can rob one of the power to decide.” (“Revelation in a Changing World,” Ensign, Nov 1989)

There are several reasons why traditional pornography interventions – alone – don’t cure. One of the main reasons is the failure to address the significance of  the “addicted spirit.”

The logic is simple:

First: “The Spirit and the body make up the soul.” (D&C 88:15).  The spirit and body are more like skin and muscle than a glove and a hand.  One can hardly discern the difference between them.

Second: “The spirit is influenced by the body and the body by the spirit…” said President Brigham Young. (Discourses of Brigham Young,sel. John A. Widtsoe [1941], 69–70)  Generally, any experience the body has the spirit has also, and vice versa.

Third: “Addiction to any substance enslaves not only the physical body but the spirit as well.” (Addiction or Freedom, New Era, September 1989) said Elder Russell M. Nelson.

The conclusion is obvious: The spirit becomes addicted and also needs “treatment.”  I’m talking more than just a few visits with the bishop and compliance to routine counsel such as “read the scriptures, attend church ….” With serious addiction problems a “mighty change of heart” (Alma 5: 12-14) is required in addition to traditional professional interventions. Complete recovery is evidenced by true confession, sincere prayer, and the acceptance of the Savior’s atonement.

The spirit must be healed as part of addiction recovery for an individual to experience permanent change and have “…no more disposition to do evil…” (Mosiah 5:2)

dr. rick
PRINCIPLE: Abstinence from pornography is not recovery. Permanent behavior change requires treatment of the spirit.

Links for additional information:

“Psychologist at BYU’s Education Week speaks on addiction” Mormon Times Deseret News, 2009

“Addiction Recovery: Healing One Step at a Time,” Ensign, Jun 2009