The law of a happy marriage: “If you want a great marriage, you must do what happily married people do.” Couples having difficulty in marriage have a two-fold problem:

- they have lost the Spirit of the Lord in their relationship; and,

- they are not doing the kinds of activities together that would bring them closer.

Perhaps it would be helpful just to review what happily married couples do to keep a marriage vibrant and meaningful for both partners.  This list is not exhaustive.

Be Each Other’s Therapist

You are the best therapist. No counselor or outsider knows the two of you any better than you two do!  You know each other’s likes and dislikes, what is ‘therapeutic’ for both of you and you have the agency to carry out that therapy.  What does a ‘good’ therapist do? 

-Listens to understand (not to solve unless asked);

-Provides new ‘eyes’ to deal with situations;

-Encourages different outcomes than those of the past;

-Compliments on progress;

-Is patient, kind, non-judgmental as a listener;

-Helps you think things through and come to the best solution.

A Babysitter is Cheaper than a Divorce

Date frequently. Friday evenings should find you out together (or the one in charge rotates) to obtain relief from parenting and the ‘daily grind.’ Both of you need to get away in a relaxing way to renew your relationship.  New perspectives come with time away from the usual schedule.  Use in-laws or neighbors to watch children while you two get away for a mini-vacation.  If broke, exchange childcare with neighbors or other couples for different date nights.

Have Christ-like Attributes

Christ-like attributes are essential to marital interaction. When you have a disagreement, it is important that each realizes that each plays a part in the problem and you both must be responsible in resolving it.  Human beings like to justify their behavior and it is often hard to take the side of the other person and realize that there are usually more ways than one to look at a problem.  Without humility and kindness, couples tend to make mountains out of molehills.

Eliminate Anger

Anger is a great destroyer of marriages and families. Anger and temper displays are not of God but of the devil (see 3 Nephi 11:29-30). The penalty one pays by displaying anger is that those around you, especially family members, will not share their deepest thoughts and feelings because they fear you may become upset and punitive with the information you receive.  Superficial relationships are a curse because that level of communication does not create positive emotions and feelings between spouses.

Give an Abundance of Hugs, Kisses, and Winks

Showing non-sexual affection is essential to happiness. We all have a need to feel love, cherished, needed, wanted, etc.  Caring touches and gentle caresses are important parts of marriage.  Foot and neck massages are wonderful ways to relieve stress and send love messages to each other.

Share Life in Depth

Have comfortable talking together times. Couples need time together just to talk about marriage, family, career, church jobs, children, feelings about ward/neighborhood, couple goals, calendar, etc. You both must feel comfortable risking feelings and thoughts with each other without fear of put-downs or criticism. Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels.

Sexual Intimacy Keeps You “In Love”

Sexual relations were designed by the Lord as a ‘sacrament’ to renew marriage covenants, provide a measure of therapy, and keep you two ‘in love.’ It is important that you meet each other’s needs in the area of intimacy. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you find time for physical and emotional strengthening.  Intimacy is not to be used or abused by offering a mere pittance, nor is it on demand.  This is your spouse, companion, confidante, lover, and therapist all rolled into one and the privilege of sharing your masculine-feminine traits in wholesome ways should be a frequent occurrence.  Of course the marriage must be healthy if this aspect is to strengthen both of you.  Sexual relations are not to be used to punish nor as a weapon to hurt or seek revenge or as a reward for ‘good behavior’.  Be creative and spontaneous and don’t insist on any behavior offensive to your spouse.  Talk openly with your spouse about sexual intimacy.

Gospel Principle:

“A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of your spouse!” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “What God Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991, pg. 74.)

Additional Information:

A great 60 second Mormon.org Video: Blockbuster

Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006, pp. 36–38.

Dr. Doug Brinley

Dr. Doug Brinley is a retired professor in Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University. He is the author or co-author of nine books on marriage and family relations. He has a DVD entitled Marital Relations Seminar.  He instituted the LDS Marriage and Family course in the religion department at BYU  in 1995.  It has now become one of the most popular religion classes at  BYU.  He and his wife, Geri, live in Provo and are the parents of six children.

Marriage Is More than A “Contract”

Marriage is considered by a great many people as merely a civil contract or agreement between a man and a woman that they will live together in the marriage relation. It is, in fact, an eternal principle upon which the very existence of mankind depends. The Lord gave this law to man in the very beginning of the world as a part of the Gospel law, and the first marriage was to endure forever. According to the law of the Lord every marriage should endure forever,” ( Joseph Fielding Smith, The Perfect Marriage Covenant, Improvement Era, 1931).

Marriage Is A Covenant

Bruce Hafen adds,

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for.  But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through.  They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.  Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will,“  (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov. 1996).

Remember for us marriage is “an everlasting covenant,” (D&C 131:1–4).

Marriage Is Making A Commitment

As a psychologist concerned about marriage and the family, I have seen over and over again the importance of commitment in a marriage.  Each partner must have a strong commitment to the marriage if it is to survive the inevitable hardships brought on by modern-day pressures.

Commitment produces a feeling of stability, which assures both individuals that, although disagreements may surface, the marriage relationship is their top priority and will be preserved.  This allows both to feel safe—without the fear that every problem that arises will lead to greater difficulties.

Love is More of a Decision Than an Emotion

Although the intensity of love in a marriage may rise and fall with changing circumstances, love itself is not the elusive, unpredictable state described in literature and song.  I like to view “love” as a verb.  It is the natural consequence of being treated in a particular way by someone who is important to us.

So the feeling of love can return to a couple who fear they have lost it—if they both begin acting in a manner that demonstrates total commitment.

Sharing of the Heart is Transgression

Commitment to marriage used to be taken for granted when a couple wed, but this is not the case now. More and more marriages are ending because some person other than the spouse or some interest other than the marriage takes priority in the life of one of the partners. In D & C we read:

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else,” (D & C 42:22).

Spencer W. Kimball explains,

“There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband …  when the Lord says ‘all’ thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.

“… the words ‘none else’ eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.

“Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression,”  (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, pages 142-3).

Even Bad Marriages Can Improve

But it should always be remembered that through forgiveness and repentance, even destructive relationships can improve if a selfish, abusive, or unfaithful spouse has the desire and shows the commitment to change.  Individuals contemplating divorce for even the most valid of reasons will be able to make wise decisions only after sincere prayer and careful weighing of the alternatives and seeking the guidance of the Holy Ghost as decisions are made.

GOSPEL PRINCIPLE:

Unless you make a firm commitment to your marriage and your spouse, you will lack the foundation you need for challenges that come.  Committed couples are willing to invest time and energy to strengthen their relationships.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

YouTube Video “Mormon Temples: LDS Temple Marriage, Forever”

S. Brent Scharman, “For Better, for Worse, for Always,” Ensign, Jun. 1991,   p. 25).

Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples. (LDS Church 2006) Simple and easy to read 36 page booklet.  Review the section on “Commitment” under the heading Focus On Solving Problems.

Brent Scharman is a licensed psychologist and 33 year employee of LDS Family Services.  His current assignments in Family Services include supervision of international operations, participant on the executive committee assisting with missionary mental health and writer on issues related to marriage and family.  He is a former president of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists and Utah Psychological Association.  Brent is a former board member of the Stepfamily Association of America and continues his interest in issues related to stepfamilies.