“I’m calling the police,” the mother shouted at me.  I asked her to calm down and tell me what was going on.  She said, “I have been divorced for 9 years.  I have shared custody of my children with my ex.  He is an irresponsible, alcohol using, sexual pervert…!” She went into detail defending her position.

Based on her story, I didn’t believe her husband broke any laws.  But if her facts were correct, he certainly had some problems.

Regardless, her ex-husband had standard visits and her children would be spending this weekend at his house.

She has been “long-suffering” since the divorce.  The emotional battle has severely strained her relationship with her ex and at times with her children.

This faithful church going mom, who would rather die before she drank one swallow of Budweiser or take one hit off a Marlboro cigarette, could see no way of enduring another weekend without a heart full of fear, anger and calling the police - again.

More than “Putting Up With”

“To endure in faith and doeth God’s will … involves much more than putting up with a circumstance (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Endure It Well’,” Ensign, May 1990).

To exert maximum “power and influence” over another while waiting for a change, requires learning the Christ-like trait of “long-suffering”. Long-suffering means more than “just putting up with” or “angrily fighting”.

Feeling like a victim “poor me”, nagging, complaining, threatening and similar traits are no way to endure a difficult circumstance or change another’s behavior.

Needed Most

Any prolonged physical condition like divorce, serious health concerns, mental illness, addictions,  and aging - suggest the need for a routine Christ-like response of long-suffering - day after day, month after month, and year after year.

The Lord’s Way and Time

“The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land.  Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel.  The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple.  The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish.  Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?” (D & C 121:2)  In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way…   Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Continue in Patience,” Ensign, May 2010.)

Doing good and forgiving are required of any one of us desiring to develop a Christ-like attribute of long-suffering.

Ingrain Permanent Change

“…, if certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing.  Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change.” (See Alma 32:13–16.)  (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Endure It Well’,” Ensign, May 1990.)

Gospel Principle

You can endure well when you’re being gentle rather than cruel; meek rather than prideful; persuasive rather than demanding; loving rather than angry ; and long-suffering rather than impatient. (See D&C 121: 41.)

Additional Information

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

- One of the great, enduring lessons of the Kirtland period is that our spirits need constant nourishment.  And He will ever sustain those who “endure in faith to the end” (D&C 20:25). (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Hold on a Little Longer,” Ensign, Jan 2010.)

-Enduring to the end is definitely not a do-it-yourself project.  Second, enduring to the end requires the Holy Ghost, who will both guide and sanctify us (L. Tom Perry, “The Gospel of Jesus Christ,” Ensign, May 2008).

I sensed there was a mistake in the watering turn and he felt I was taking his water.  As he got close enough to me but yet far enough away I yelled out to him, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. It’s all my fault.”  I quickly pulled the dam out and let the water flow down the ditch.  By the time he got to me he was laughing and I avoided a collision with his shovel.

To lose one’s temper is to lose control.   Temper is an emotional outburst usually of cutting and unkind words.  Controlling one’s temper necessitates learning to control one’s mind and thoughts.

What Can I Do?

There are several things you can do to work on your temper problem.  Here’s one:

Take Responsibility

To learn to control an outburst of temper necessitates self-study.  This kind of self-study has to take place after the outburst of temper.  The first step is to assume full responsibility for the cause of the situation that caused a flare up of tempers.  If you don’t blame yourself, you will blame others and you will not change because you expect others to change.  If you expect others to change, then conditions will not change.  You must blame yourself in order to begin the process of self-control.

A cunning part of his strategy is to disassociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.  We hear, “I lost my temper.”  Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible” — “careless,”  perhaps, but “not responsible.”  “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency.  This is a myth that must be debunked.  No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry.  There is no force involved.  Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.  We choose! (Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998.)

Without Regret

Our happiness or unhappiness depends a great deal on our ability to handle irritations, frustrations and disagreeable situations.  The person who can maintain control over his or her emotions during an irritating and disagreeable situation is advancing in self-mastery and spirituality.

“Now, my dear brethren (sisters), in closing, I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect.  If you will do this, your lives will be without regret.  Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved.  You will be much happier.  You will do greater good.  You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.  May the Lord bless you and inspire you to walk without anger, without bitterness of any kind, but to reach out to others with expressions of friendship, appreciation, and love” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Nov. 2007).

Gospel Principle:

Psalms 37:8 says,  “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath…” Unrighteous anger is sin  (Joseph Smith Translation Eph. 4:26) and Eph. 4: 26, “…let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

Additional Information:

Thomas S. Monson, “School Thy Feelings, O My Brother,” Ensign, Nov. 2009.

Gordon B. Hinckley, “Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Nov. 2007.

Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998.

LDS Family Services-topic Anger Management.

Rulon G .Craven was employed 20 years at Brigham Young University.  He  served over 13 years as Secretary to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  Currently, he is a member of the Upward Reach Foundation Board of Trustees.

President Jones was up bright and early. She helped her daughter finish a math assignment while she cooked breakfast for her three children and husband.  As soon as the kids and husband were out the door she started baking bread for the new family that moved in down the street. 

While the bread was cooking she received a phone call from one of the ward sister’s  who had a fight with her husband. The police had just arrived at her home. After all President Jones had just told that sister the night before “If you  ever need anything just give me a call.” 

The day continued with “one thing after another.” It was Monday night and there was no way she could get the lesson for family home evening. She was watching a 2 and a 3 year old of another family whose parents had to go to the hospital for a family emergency.  

By 11:00 pm President Jones collapsed on her bed still dressed in her street clothes. She was exhausted.  She didn’t even hear her husband invite her to join family prayer. 

I met Sister Jones, the Relief Society President, a few days later in a psychiatric ward. She had been hospitalized because of a  “nervous breakdown.”  

Caring Can Hurt

For the past 30 years, psychological research has been steadily accumulating to demonstrate that caring has its costs. We now know that if you’re not careful, caring for others can have negative effects on the caregiver. These physical, mental, and spiritual side effects of care giving can be potentially very dangerous. 

“Compassion Fatigue” has become such a significant problem that it now has it’s own “Syndrome”  – Compassion Fatigue Syndrome- CFS!  

Google reports over  40,000 references to “Compassion Fatigue Self Assessment.” Here is an example of a self-assessment if you’re interested in how you personally might be doing: 

- Compassion Fatigue Self-Assessment 

Self-Care For Caregivers

If as a caregiver you catch Compassion Fatigue Syndrome before it’s gone too far, self-care measures can make a difference. 

-To prevent physical-compassion fatigue try getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising.  

-To prevent spiritual-compassion fatigue say your personal prayers, take time to ponder, and do daily scripture study. 

Principle With A Promise

Consider what Jethro had to say to Moses while he was performing his church work:

Moses sat to judge the people: and the people stood by Moses from the morning unto the evening… [Jethro says to Moses] What is this thing that thou doest to the people?…The thing that thou doest is not good. … Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people …  for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone …  (Exodus 18:13-18)

Notice how long Moses spent fullfilling his church calling – “From morning unto the evening.”  Next, pay attention to the consequence of excessive giving – “Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people.”

Of course Moses harkened to the Lord’s counsel and intervened  by organizing the Israelites into small groups and delegating (See Exodus 18: 19-24).

Our Relief Society President, Sister Jones did not intervene soon enough. She “wore away” and ended up in a psych ward.

Devilish Diversions

Dallin H. Oaks describes several “devilish diversion” –sins,  that Latter-Day Saints experience. I believe the following three diversions are related to “Compassion Fatigue”. 

-Desire to sacrifice more than is needful, 
-Excess in giving,  and
-Inordinate church service.

 (See: Dallin H. Oaks,  Ensign, October 1994, “Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall”) 

Gospel Principle

God’s advice: “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you…” (D & C 10:4).  My advice: When you become so preoccupied and worried about “another” that you neglect your own essential personal self-care behaviors, you are at risk of committing a “Devilish Diversion” – and ending up in a psych ward!

Additional Information

-  ”Caring Church leaders are mindful of individual limitations yet eager to utilize members to the extent of their strength and abilities. Leaders teach and support but do not bring pressure to “run faster or labor more than” strength allows.”  Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Concern for the One,” Ensign, May 2008.

- Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, October 1994, “Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall”

- Read more at Suite101: Compassion Fatigue: A Danger for Workers in the Helping Professions

Best Friends

My son Gary was probably my best friend. We spent a lot of time together. When he was little he liked sports and I coached his baseball and basketball games. I loved watching him play. A little later, he learned to bowl and found he had a natural ability for the game. I always went with him to his tournaments and shared his happiness when he won. … He dropped out of school altogether at age 16. He had several jobs but they didn’t last long when he was about 20, Gary met and married a girl he loved a lot. For a while they were really happy he vowed to give up the things that were bringing unhappiness. Some of his old friends started coming around and he started drinking again. He and his wife divorced and he moved back home.

Come on Dad…

During this time we spent a lot of time together. When he was working nights, he’d wake up early and say , “Come on, Dad Let’s go for a ride.” He’d get coffee and I’d get hot chocolate and we’d just ride around. He loved riding on country roads or in the mountains. 

… Shot in the heart

The day before he died we helped with ward clean-up-day. He worked so hard and enjoyed being with the other guys there. He came home, got cleaned up and went to a street festival in town. I didn’t hear him come home but it was late. The next morning I went to Bishop’s meeting and then my wife and I attended the other Sunday meetings. It was about 4:00 pm when I got home. My wife asked me to go downstairs and get Gary for dinner. He didn’t’ wake when I called his name. When I turned on the light, I saw him lying back on his pillows and that he had shot himself in the heart.

Raising from the dead…

I reached out to hold him but his spirit had gone. Thoughts raced through my mind-with my Priesthood, I could heal him-If only I was good enough-so I gave him a blessing. I was bishop of our ward at the time. I remembered how Jesus had raised the dead and I wanted so much to have the faith to bring my son back to me….

I was standing at the foot of his casket when I realized that my son was just 33 years old, the same age the Savior was when he died.

A suicide every 40 seconds

Every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 years in some countries, and the second leading cause of death in the 10-24 years age group; these figures do not include suicide attempts which are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicide. (World Health Organization, Suicide Statistics)

A way of coping

Suicide has been used as a way of coping with life problems for centuries. Ahithophel in  2 Samuel 16:23 was referred to as “an oracle of God.” He was a “counsellor” to King David and hung himself. (See 2 Samuel 17: 23).  And perhaps one of the more famous suicides was the apostle Judas in Matthew 27:3-8 where he too hung himself.

Unfortunately we Latter-day Saints are not immune from suicide.

Unanswered questions

With every suicide there are many questions. M. Russell Ballard shares a few:

Was the person who took his/her life mentally ill? Was s/he so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did s/he not understand the seriousness of the act? Was s/he suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self control? … The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act. (M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct 1987)

Gospel Principle:

Latter-day Saints commit suicide. Only our Father in Heaven knows the answers to some of the questions asked regarding those who take their own lives.  Nevertheless, the Lord’s promise is to each of us:

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27.)

Additional Resources:

- Watch the video Understanding Suicide  by  Tools for Life.

- National Alliance On Mentally Illness (NAMI) Suicide: Learn More/ Learn To Help.

- Where Is Our Hope for Peace? A Resource for Latter-day Saints Coping with Suicide. A book by Upward Reach Foundation

- LDS Family Services / Provident Living:  Library of Helpful Information /Suicide

She was up at 3 am and again at 5 am with sick kids.  After cleaning up the throw-up she was able get a few minutes of sleep before fixing her husband’s breakfast.  They had family prayer and sent her husband off to work.  He’s been working overtime.  She ran the daughter to violin lessons and the son to gymnastics. She worked on her Young Women lesson as she and her toddler waited in the car.  Just one more day and her husband would be back to his normal schedule.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He filled the empty fishing net. And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.  And when they had this done, they enclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake. (Luke 5:5,6.)

A Needed Rest

At the senior citizen center she volunteers 3 hours a day 4 days a week.  She checks-in the elderly for lunch. On her way to the center this morning she stopped to buy 3-ring binders and a new Boy Scout shirt, for herself.  She was just called by the bishop to help with the scout troop. She now had 9 scouts! After arriving home and taking a rest she went to the genealogy library to do some more work on the “Hill” line.  She’ll be 89 on Monday.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He raised Lazarus from the dead.  Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead. … Then when Jesus came, he found that he had lain in the grave four days already … he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.   And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go (John 11).

No Time for Lunch

First it was a text from his home teaching family asking if he could stop by the hospital and give their son a blessing, he just had a bike accident.  Next came an email marked “urgent” from the boss.  He insisted that the quarterly report be completed early – today by 3:00.   At 5:30 pm he grabbed his lunch as he ran out of his office to catch his son’s 6:00 soccer game.  He takes a bite of his sandwich going down the elevator.   As he gets on the freeway, he notices he has a flat tire.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He made the fish and bread to feed the thousand.  And Jesus saith unto them,  How many loaves have ye?  And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes.  And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.  And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.  And they that did eat were four thousand men, beside women and children (Matthew 15: 34-38).

The Lord Can Enlarge Me, Expand Me, Magnify Me!

Gordon B. Hinckley overseen the building of the 21,000 seat Conference Center, the issuance of the Proclamation on the Family, and the creation of the church’s Perpetual Education Fund.  In all, Gordon B. Hinckley dedicated or rededicated 92 different temples — 87 while president of the church — at 97 different dedicatory services- including the historic Nauvoo Illinois Temple.  At the time of Hinckley’s death, approximately one-third of the church’s membership had joined the church under Hinckley’s leadership. ( Gordon B. Hinckley From Wikipedia.)

Done in Wisdom

“Hardest of all is achieving the right mix or balance between competing good things.  No secret formula will achieve this for us … The right balance is probably different for each person and also changes for each person over time.  Above all, a person grounded in the gospel of Jesus Christ and enjoying the sweet companionship of the Holy Ghost will find balance, even—or especially—in the face of overwhelming, unavoidable burdens.” (John C. Taggart, “All Things in Wisdom and Order,” Ensign, Aug. 2010.)

Gospel Principle

God can make enough of me to go around!

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isa. 40: 31.)

Additional Information

Mormon Message-You Tube. Stephanie Nielson, survivor of a near-fatal plane crash, shares her story of a beautiful life centered on faith in Jesus Christ and love of family.

The talk featured at the end of this message  Jeffrey R. Holland, “Lessons from Liberty Jail,” Ensign, Sep. 2009.

Alexander B. Morrison, “On Eagles’ Wings,” New Era, Oct. 1996 .

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “On the Wings of Eagles,” Ensign, Jul. 2006.

I sat in his front room as he went on and on describing how he believed he was “a worthless soul.”

Such a good man and family.  They were just completing Family Home Evening with their children as I arrived.  I could see their garden in the back and their scriptures on the couch.

What enemy could be so powerful to push this good brother to this depth?

This type of despair can be caused by a multiple of problems such as poor self-esteem, mental illness, or just circumstances of life.  After visiting with him, it was clear he wasn’t haven’t an affair, suffering from mental illness, hooked on pornography, or hiding some addiction…

No, unfortunately his problem was much worse than any of these.

The Enemy

My clinical opinion was – Satan had succeeded in “stealing” his  belief in his “Divine Identity and Worth”. (Family: A Proclamation To The World.)

This man was harboring years of criticism from others.  It began with his parents telling him “He can’t do anything right.”  Teachers reinforcing the label by saying, “You’re stupid.”  An employer emphasizing, “You’re not selling enough.” His wife reminding him regularly, “I wish you would be a better husband and father.”  And the straw that broke the camel’s back — “Today, I couldn’t fix my truck!”

The result – I’m a failure, no good …. a worthless soul.

I wanted to thunder out

“When you say, “I can’t! I can’t solve my problems!”  I want to thunder out, “Don’t you realize who you are? Haven’t you learned yet that you are a son or a daughter of Almighty God? Do you not know that there are powerful resources inherited from Him that you can call upon to give you steadiness and courage and great power?” (Boyd K. Packer, “Self-Reliance,” Ensign, Aug. 1975.)

Forgetting who we really are

“… the theft of our eternal identity has much longer effects and more dire consequences.  I am not talking about addresses, credit cards, or any other identifying numbers.  I am talking about something much more basic and more important than who the world thinks you are.  I am talking about who you think you are  … Satan is totally dedicated to thwarting and derailing this marvelous plan-of-happiness knowledge and process. We know that one of his primary tools is to entice us to forget who we really are – to fail to realize or to forget our divine potential.  This is the cruelest form of identity theft…” (Robert C. Oaks, “Your Divine Heritage,” Ensign, Apr. 2008).

What Satan doesn’t want you to know

Satan doesn’t want you to know that your true worth is: Precious (Ps. 49:8; Alma 31:35), Great (D & C 18:10); and more precious than fine gold (Isa. 13: 12).

Boyd K. Packer reminds us:

“No idea has been more destructive of happiness, no philosophy has produced more sorrow, more heartbreak and mischief; no idea has done more to destroy the family than the idea that we are not the offspring of God,…” (“Our Moral Environment,” Ensign, May 1992).

When one feels the truth of this answer, his / her reality will immediately change… forever.

“Establish in the mind of a … person the powerful idea that he or she is a child of God and you have been given self-respect and motivation to move against the problems of life….” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Powerful Ideas,” Ensign, Nov. 1995).

It could take months of hard work (especially if the wife doesn’t change) to re-teach this brother to recognize his worth.

Gospel Principle

As individuals realize “who” they really are and accept their personal “self-worth” their dignity and happiness will be enhanced.  Denying or ignoring self-worth contradicts the work and glory of God.

Additional Resources

The power of “faith in one’s self” is illustrated by this 30 second video The Greatest.

Elder James E. Faust, “Self-Esteem: A Great Human Need” at Brigham Young University, 23 August 1983.

A collection of LDS articles can be located at “Self-Esteem, Self-Worth” on the LDS Family Services Website.

- The ultrasound was complete. The doctor told the prospective parents there was a cyst on the baby’s brain.

- The divorce wasn’t even final before his wife learned about her husband’s girlfriend.

- She was discharged from the mental hospital in Utah. Her parents located her at a bus stop in Las Vegas.

- The foreclosure on the home was final. The family had to be out by Saturday.

- There was nothing more the doctors could do. The young father died.

What do all these families have in common?
Each have completed a session at a local LDS temple.

The Doubt And Fear Of Our Times

“We are living through turbulent times.  A great storm of evil has come upon the earth. The winds of wickedness howl about us; the waves of war beat against our ship.  As Paul wrote to Timothy: “In the last days perilous times shall come (2 Tim. 3:1)…” (Robert D. Hales, “Faith through Tribulation Brings Peace and Joy,” Ensign, May 2003).

For some, the peril of the “last days” feels like it’s here today!

As I look into the eyes of others and hear their personal stories of tragedy, at times I see the doubt and fear of our times.  We are in a world where we experience mental illness, addiction, unemployment, war, natural disasters, economic downturns, immorality, and crime – just to mention a few.  Some might wonder, “How can I deal with such a serious problem?” or “Where is God’s power?”

Nothing “In This World”

From time to time, each of us is confronted with a challenge where it seems there is nothing “in this world” we can do to resolve it.  This is especially true regarding the unwanted behavior of a loved one.

With our personal skill and knowledge we can competently complete so many tasks.  We can fix the car, pay a bill, weed the garden, have the surgery, etc. We feel surprised or discouraged -perhaps even powerless – when we face a problem that seems “we” cannot fix.

Misinformed You Are Powerless

Only the unfaithful and weaklings argue they are powerless.  There is ALWAYS something very powerful you can do to influence a desired change, regardless of the tribulation or challenge you might face.

“I wonder if we can ever really fathom the immense power of prayer until we encounter an overpowering, urgent problem and realize that we are powerless to resolve it. Then we will turn to our Father in humble recognition of our total dependence on Him” (Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007).

“He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face” (Thomas S. Monson, “Looking Back and Moving Forward,” Ensign, May 2008,pp. 87–90).

Today’s Trial, Tomorrow’s Testimony

“As part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption, all people experience adversity during their lifetime. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but with the help of the Lord they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress.” (Adversity, Gospel Topics)

Gospel Principle

The ways to cope with adversity may vary.  However, one skill should be constant — trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  The prophet Alma taught, “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

Additional Resources

- Good Things to Come.  From: MormonMessages.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken-down family car and testifies that for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, there are better days and good things to come.  Read the entire talk  An High Priest Of Good Things To Come.

- Henry B. Eyring, “Adversity,” Ensign, May 2009.

- Adversity, LDS Family Services, Library of Helpful Information.

Over the years, she had surrendered her “freedom to choose” positive feelings.
Her family would criticize her and as a result she would feel depressed and frustrated.

She had given-in to using her “family’s yardstick” to measure her own self-esteem.  At times she was actually responding as if her family’s words, in some magical way, controlled her feelings and behavior.

Her feelings and behavior were no longer hers, but a response to theirs.

The tragedy of this scenario was this good woman was a very talented, bright, caring, wonderful person!  In my opinion, she was not doing anything seriously wrong and the criticism from her family was unwarranted!  In her case, like many others, the offending behavior seemed to be more a reflection of her family’s emotional and mental problems than of her own.

Her “family’s yardstick,” which she had been using to evaluate herself, was flawed.  This family’s yardstick measures were arbitrary and worked more like a rubber band.

No wonder, she could never figure out why she never measured up.

“They Of Her Own Household”

I’ve actually heard people say, and believe about another, that “You make me mad!”  “You hurt my feelings!” or  “You ruined my day!” while blaming another person, usually a family member, for his/her personal feelings and behavior.

There is no doubt about the truthfulness of this scripture: “And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household” (Matt. 10:36).  We don’t have to look far from our daily routine to find a foe/enemy capable of destroying us.

Believing another can offend you is fundamentally false

David A. Bednar shares fundamental truth about relationships:

“However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.  In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14).  As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice.  Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon.  To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation…In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.” (And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Ensign, Nov, 2006,)

Self-Esteem Influences ALL

Your self-esteem influences all of your thoughts, feelings and actions.

“Self-esteem is the glue that holds together our self-reliance, our self-control, our self-approval or disapproval, and keeps all self-defense mechanisms secure.”  (Elder James E. Faust, “Self-Esteem: A Great Human Need” at Brigham Young University, 23 August 1983.)

When you choose to use someone else’s yardstick instead of  MEASURING UP and using God’s Yardstick, disaster will surely and always result!

Gospel Principle

At times we choose to be acted upon and have our self-esteem measured using someone else’s yardstick!  When we absorb the criticism, the insult, the harsh words of another into our very soul disaster will result.  We feel depressed and frustrated.  When we measure UP and use God’s Yardstick we each have great worth and value — everyday, all day long!   “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10).

Additional Information

A collection of LDS articles can be located at “Self-Esteem, Self-Worth” on the LDS Family Services Website.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf retells the story of the ugly duckling and urges us to reflect on who we really are — sons and daughters of a glorious Heavenly Father.

President Obama says he is committed to creating the most open and accessible administration in American history.  So I called the White House to visit with him about some of my personal concerns.

A receptionist answered the phone, “White House.” I asked if I could talk to the President and that I had some concerns.  She transferred me to another line.  I received a tape recording “President’s Comment Line” saying, “We are closed.”

When I call upon God in prayer, he is not that way. The call always goes through. No foreign voice. No voice recording. No support staff is going to answer.

We are His children.  He’s not out of the office when we call.  He’s not disinterested in our concerns.  We’re not boring him.  We can never talk too long.  He will hear us out.

Calling Upon God

Prayer is our means of calling Heavenly Father, the Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth.

Only a fool would not take advantage of such a resource.

Our Heavenly Father has a voice to speak, ears to hear, eyes to see, and angels to send.  There really is an almighty God with whom we can have a personal relationship.  I can talk to Him and He can talk to me.  David O. McKay said “You cannot imagine an effective prayer without visualizing and feeling a personal God.” (Treasures of Life, Deseret Book, 1963, p. 308.)

Relationship, Relationship, Relationship

Therapy research has now identified the “therapeutic relationship”  or  sometimes referred to as “therapeutic alliance” as being more powerful than any specific psychological technique!  That is, the therapist’s relationship skills, rather than techniques or theoretical orientations, are the more important aspects of effectively changing another’s life.

As mental health professionals, we are trained that the alliance with the patient is most effective when the therapist exhibits some of the following traits: warmth, friendliness, genuineness, empathy, active listening skills, and concern.

If this is true on earth, it is true in heaven.

Who better than God to have perfect relationship skills?

Having a relationship with God, changes lives.

We are eternal beings.  We came from God.  We will return to God.

When God is believed in as our Eternal Father, we can to a degree understand our relationship to him—that he is the Father of our spirits, a loving parent who is interested in his children individually and whom they can love with all their hearts, might, mind, and strength.  Such a belief is essential to true prayer because intelligent beings will not pray fervently to a God they do not know.  Such praying will be done only by people who believe their prayers can be heard and answered by an understanding, sympathetic parent. (“Pray Always” An address delivered at general conference October 7, 1944 by Marion G. Romney.)

God Smiles When He Sees You

When God hears us calling Him, he rejoices.  Even if we’ve done wrong.  Like the prodigal son coming home.  The father wanted to see his son and celebrated his return.  “But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15: 20).  That’s the picture we need to have of God when we visualize Him in prayer.

As we make a habit of approaching God in prayer, we will come to know Him and draw ever nearer to Him.

If you don’t feel the power of His relationship – the therapeutic alliance, keep calling back, keep asking for God.  Eventually, a personal relationship will come.   Perhaps the most powerful life changing experience any of us could have would be, to have a relationship with God.

Gospel Principle

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God,… “ (John 17:3.)

Additional Information

“The Only True God & Jesus Christ Whom He Has Sent” by Jeffrey R. Holland.

Robert D. Hales, “Seeking to Know God, Our Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ,” Ensign, Nov. 2009.

“Dad, I don’t have any place to stay.  They kicked me out… I’ve lost my job again.  I’ve been in IHOP now for 5 hours waiting for someone to come get me.  I don’t have any more money.  Dad, you have to come get me, now!” pled Amy.

Amy was a 20 year-old “prodigal daughter” in a far off state.

Dad thought as he has for the past few years, “She needs my help.  Honestly, she can’t do this on her own.  This is way too hard for her… Why, she can’t even get out of bed on time .” The father booked the next flight to go help Amy.

As a psychologist I’ve spent my life reading, studying and applying techniques of behavior change. I have discovered one of the most powerful tools to influence another’s behavior:

How you believe in them.

The dad was using his power of “belief” in a negative fashion. He didn’t believe she could make it. His negative belief enabled Amy to continue her addictions to drugs, alcohol, and “riotous living”.  He also failed to realize his “negative belief” tended to overlook her agency and to ignore accountability for her actions.

Stronger than the cords of death

There may be many tools to help a loved one in need including reflective listening, family meetings, advice giving, etc.  However, applying “positive belief” – confidence in the individual, is one of the best tools.

Believing in a loved one, in need, in such a way that “the person-in-need may know that your faithfulness in him/her is stronger than the cords of death”  (see D & C 121:44) can change a life.

We express this positive belief or faith in another through our action — by the way we think, communicate, and behave with them.  When you show behaviors of faith in another, it tends to motivate them to behave in a more healthy way and eliminates co-dependency.

Smallest Amount Can Move Mountains and Change Lives

So powerful is “Faith” even the smallest amount can move mountains. (See Matt 17:19-20.)  I have seen the faith of a loved-one, be the turning point in another’s life.  I believe the positive outcome of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-24)  and Alma the Younger (Mosiah 27) was in part due to their fathers’ ability to “believe“ in their sons to change.  Regardless of how bad or how far away a loved one might be, they can be influenced by the power of your faith!

A few weeks later

I had confidence that as the father’s “seed” of faith in his daughter’s “divine nature and identity” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)  his and eventually her life would change.

Stranded again, Amy made another desperate crisis call. In exercising his new found “faith” in her, the father replied to her despair with calm confidence saying, “Amy, you can do this.  I know you can.  You can figure this out.   I’m praying for you.  I trust you’ll make the best decision.  I love you and God loves you.” Faith without works is dead (James 2:17-18).

He hung up the phone.

A prophet  has said, “The future is as bright as your faith” (Thomas S. Monson, “Be of Good Cheer,” Ensign, May 2009).

I also believe in part, “The future of your loved-one is as bright as your    faith …!”

Gospel Principle

“Faith precedes the miracle. It has ever been so and shall ever be. It was not raining when Noah was commanded to build an ark.  There was no visible ram in the thicket when Abraham prepared to sacrifice his son Isaac.  Two heavenly personages were not yet seen when Joseph knelt and prayed.  First came the test of faith — and then the miracle” (Thomas S. Monson, “The Call to Serve,” Ensign, Nov. 2000).

Additional Information

Thomas S. Monson, “Be of Good Cheer,” Ensign, May 2009.

Richard G. Scott, “To Help a Loved One in Need,” Ensign, May 1988.

Elder Wilford W. Andersen speaks at the Saturday morning session of the April 2010 General Conference. The Rock of Our Redeemer “They had learned that hope, …  does not depend upon circumstance.  They had discovered that the true source of hope is faith ….”