I sensed there was a mistake in the watering turn and he felt I was taking his water.  As he got close enough to me but yet far enough away I yelled out to him, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. It’s all my fault.”  I quickly pulled the dam out and let the water flow down the ditch.  By the time he got to me he was laughing and I avoided a collision with his shovel.

To lose one’s temper is to lose control.   Temper is an emotional outburst usually of cutting and unkind words.  Controlling one’s temper necessitates learning to control one’s mind and thoughts.

What Can I Do?

There are several things you can do to work on your temper problem.  Here’s one:

Take Responsibility

To learn to control an outburst of temper necessitates self-study.  This kind of self-study has to take place after the outburst of temper.  The first step is to assume full responsibility for the cause of the situation that caused a flare up of tempers.  If you don’t blame yourself, you will blame others and you will not change because you expect others to change.  If you expect others to change, then conditions will not change.  You must blame yourself in order to begin the process of self-control.

A cunning part of his strategy is to disassociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.  We hear, “I lost my temper.”  Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible” — “careless,”  perhaps, but “not responsible.”  “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency.  This is a myth that must be debunked.  No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry.  There is no force involved.  Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.  We choose! (Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998.)

Without Regret

Our happiness or unhappiness depends a great deal on our ability to handle irritations, frustrations and disagreeable situations.  The person who can maintain control over his or her emotions during an irritating and disagreeable situation is advancing in self-mastery and spirituality.

“Now, my dear brethren (sisters), in closing, I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect.  If you will do this, your lives will be without regret.  Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved.  You will be much happier.  You will do greater good.  You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.  May the Lord bless you and inspire you to walk without anger, without bitterness of any kind, but to reach out to others with expressions of friendship, appreciation, and love” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Nov. 2007).

Gospel Principle:

Psalms 37:8 says,  “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath…” Unrighteous anger is sin  (Joseph Smith Translation Eph. 4:26) and Eph. 4: 26, “…let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

Additional Information:

Thomas S. Monson, “School Thy Feelings, O My Brother,” Ensign, Nov. 2009.

Gordon B. Hinckley, “Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Nov. 2007.

Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998.

LDS Family Services-topic Anger Management.

Rulon G .Craven was employed 20 years at Brigham Young University.  He  served over 13 years as Secretary to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  Currently, he is a member of the Upward Reach Foundation Board of Trustees.

I invited her in.
She lowered her head and stood silently.

The video camera was rolling. The microphone in the nearby potted plant was on.  Sally’s parents waited anxiously outside in the waiting room.

Authorities were collecting evidence from 3 ½ year old Sally. Allegedly she was sexually abused by her 16-year-old cousin.  (Most children are abused by family members or close friends  and very rarely by a stranger.)  Sally’s initial interview was unsuccessful – She wouldn’t talk.  As an expert interviewer, it was now my turn to try and collect “evidence”.

What To Do Next

When you suspect sexual abuse you have two responsibilities: Helping the child and Reporting to legal authorities.

Reporting To Legal Authorities

When child sexual abuse is suspected most states require you to tell authorities like a policeman or a child protective service worker.  Determining guilt or innocence of an alleged perpetrator is the responsibility of the legal system, not yours.

Those reporting alleged abuse in good faith are immune from prosecution. The state agency receiving the report will conduct an investigation and can take action to protect a child.

Prosecuting a sexual criminal case can take weeks and can be complicated. If you have any questions about what you should or shouldn’t do with your child during the investigation ask the legal authorities.

Not Guilty

“Not Guilty” in court is not always representative of the “truth”.  The law requires a certain burden of proof.  If that burden is not met, the alleged perpetrator is freed regardless of whether s/he committed the offense or not.

Don’t be too discouraged if the alleged perpetrator is not convicted.  God is just.  He has warned: “Whoso shall offend one of these little ones … , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt 18:6).

Church Leaders

As a member of the LDS Church contacting your church leader can also be helpful.  The LDS Church has a 24-hour help line for lay leaders attempting to deal with cases of abuse, especially child abuse. (LDS Hotline to Help Leaders Deal with Abuse, Deseret News.)

Help the Child

If a child begins to talk about sexual abuse, encourage him or her to talk freely.  Don’t make judgmental comments.

-Show that you understand and take seriously what the child is saying. Children who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not.  The response to the initial disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the child’s ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.

-Assure the child that they did the right thing in telling.  A child who is close to the perpetrator may feel guilty about revealing the secret.  The child may feel frightened if the perpetrator has threatened to harm the child or other family members as punishment for telling.

-Tell the child that s/he is not to blame for the sexual abuse. Most children in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it.

-Offer the child protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops and to get help.

(Adapted from AACAP. For additional help, see Responding To Child Sexual Abuse).

- Finally, pray with your child.  As with any health concern – pray. Make sure you bless the child and the alleged perpetrator. (Prayer and Promptings, Boyd K. Packer.)

Empower the Child

Speaking about abuse, Elder Scott said,

The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal … But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy … If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t decide to fix it yourself.  Serious abuse can also benefit from professional help… (“To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Ensign, May 2008).

Sally’s Case Not Prosecuted

Although I followed standard interviewing techniques, Sally was unable to share.  We were confident Sally had been abused, but there was insufficient evidence for a criminal case to be filed.

I advised her parents to seek help for Sally as if she had been sexually abused.

Gospel Principle

When child sexual abuse is suspected reporting to proper legal authorities holds the alleged perpetrator accountable and creates resources to protect the child.  A responsible adult can empower a child by how they respond to the child’s disclosure and by seeking appropriate help.

Additional Information

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued the following official statement on Child Abuse.

LDS Family Services provides a variety of articles related to Abuse.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) Child Sexual Abuse.

The mother called my office about her 8 year old boy, Billy.  Billy had been acting differently in recent weeks, particularly after his visits with his father, her ex-husband.   Billy’s grades had dropped.  A few weeks ago she received a call from the school because of inappropriate sexual comments he had made on the playground.  During primary class last Sunday Billy drew genitalia on a picture he made of Joseph Smith’s first vision.  And now he was having nightmares almost every night.  The mother concluded by saying, “I asked him what was wrong?   And he said, ‘Nothing.’ ”

The shame and guilt experienced by a child who has been sexually abused is significant.  Behavior and emotional changes usually provide the best indicators of sexual abuse.

Beyond Understanding

I’ve experienced a lot of horrific life stories, but NONE have been as painful as listening to young children talk about their sexual victimization.

The terrible, vicious practice of sexual abuse … is beyond understanding.  It is an affront to the decency that ought to exist in every man and woman.  It is a violation of that which is sacred and divine.  It is destructive in the lives of children.”   (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994.)

Definition

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older child/adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation.  It includes asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact with a child, viewing of the child’s genitalia, or using a child to produce child pornography.

Prevention Strategies That Work

Sexual abuse of a child is every parent’s worst nightmare.  Living LDS gospel standards doesn’t grant immunity.  It can happen to any child in any family. Still, there is a lot we can do to keep children safe.  Here are a few suggestions:

- Teach children about the sacredness of their own bodies.  Teach children that no one has the right to touch them inappropriately.  Be sure they understand which parts of their bodies are private and what inappropriate touching is.

- Build a trusting relationship with your child. Be a safe person for your child to talk to.   Ask your child to tell you about things that don’t feel right.

- Know where your children are and with whom. But don’t be paranoid, an overreaction can also cause problems.

For additional ideas see subheading Prevention in the Ensign article “Hope and Healing”.

Warning Signs

-Listen to spiritual promptings (Watching with All Perseverance, Elder Bednar).

When a child…

-Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues,
-Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images,
-Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child,
-Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad,
-Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge,
- Has new words for private body parts,
-Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering),
-Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games,
-Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal.

For a more comprehensive list of warning signs see Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse.

Be Aware

If you do discover sexual abuse, be grateful.  The only thing worse than finding out that your child is being sexually abused, is not finding out.  Once you know the truth you can take appropriate steps to protect and empower your child.

Gospel Principle

Sexual abuse of children is horrific.  Children who are influenced by others into sexual relations are victims and are not guilty of any sexual sin.  Adults can prevent child sexual abuse by applying prevention strategies and by becoming aware of early warning signs.

Additional Information

- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued the following official statement on Child Abuse.

- LDS Family Services provides a variety of articles related to Abuse.

- The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) Child Sexual Abuse.

- Video: Psychologist advices on how to recognize the warning signs of child sexual abuse. (7 minutes) This video is full of excellent content.

Acknowledgement:

We appreciate Linda Garner as a co-author of this article.