Thinking Divorce? Think Again!

First-Ever “Index of Leading Marriage Indicators” “Bipartisan Group of Scholars Argues Marriage as Important as the Economy to Nation’s Overall Health. … So how are we doing on marriage? Not well. Overall, since 1970 the combined Five Leading Marriage Indicators dropped, …”  NEW YORK, October 2, 2009.

No Such Thing as a Divorce
I listened to one more client say, “I’ll just divorce him.” I shook my head in amazement that such a capable person, successful in all other aspects of her life can be so ignorant. She, like hundreds of others, say those words as if “divorce” was a “full proof” method of solving a problem.  The current philosophy is “just get a divorce if it doesn’t work out.”  The acceptance of divorce as a cure-all is an error.  Divorce may end a marriage, but it does not end relationships.

“…Divorce can never really be final. How can mothers and fathers really divorce themselves from their own flesh and blood children, or from the memories of days and years of shared experiences which have become part of their very lives,” (David B. Haight, “Marriage and Divorce,” Ensign, May 1984).

What is “Divorce” really?
Divorce in today’s society really means “a judge or other legal authority dissolved the contract of marriage in whole or in part.”  The legal entity simply redefines the future of that relationship by spelling out in writing what the characteristics of that relationship are supposed to be including: standard visitations, amount of child support or alimony, taxes, custody, and other issues.  In the legal sense, a Divorce Decree like the Marriage Certificate is a piece of paper!

Divorce can make life worse
Divorce is tragic and painful, not only at the outset, but also in the years to come. I cannot tell you all of the ways that I’ve seen divorce make things worse. But let me try:

• Disneyland Dad and Welfare Mom-the ex-husband limits his financial assistance to his ex-wife while buying the kids whatever they want.
• False Sexual Allegations Against the Father – the ex-wife falsely accuses the ex-husband of molesting a child and criminal proceedings are started.
• Children used as pawns- the ex-husband and/or ex-wife use children as go-betweens and to get even with one another.

To mention just a few.

“Divorce is usually a no-win option and can seldom be relied on as a solution to marital problems,” (Theodore M. Burton, “A Marriage to Last through Eternity,” Ensign, Jun. 1987).

Best interest of the child
Not a chance! Except in extreme cases where abuse occurred, most of the kids I see still “wished my parents would have worked it out.” I recently counseled an LDS young lady who had three natural siblings, one half brother, four step-siblings, an “ex-birthfather”, an ex-stepfather, and a birth mom who was currently with a live-in boyfriend.  Can anyone be surprised about this young lady’s need to seek therapy for her identity crisis?

“The Damage of Divorce. Research shows that children of divorced parents suffer in numerous ways, but one of the most profound effects is the impact on a child’s later marriage. What children see and experience during the failing marriage of their parents can become part of their view of themselves and of society,” (Elaine Walton, “Children of Divorce,” Ensign, Aug. 2002).

For obvious reasons, children typically see divorce as something traumatic.

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity,” (Family Proclamation).

The moral of the story

“There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce.  I am not one to say that it is never justified.  But I say without hesitation that this plague among us, which seems to be growing everywhere, is not of God, but rather is the work of the adversary of righteousness and peace and truth,” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “What God Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991).

Even in cases where divorce is viewed legitimately, the world and its problems do not stop.

Things To Do
The 2009 Marriage Indicators offered 101 recommendations to improve America’s current downward trend in the health of “Marriage.”  Among them:  Make the issue of reuniting fathers and children a top priority through programs of advocacy, family reconciliation, and community mobilization;  Make raising children who succeed in marriage at least as important a goal as raising children who succeed in careers.  (See more recommendations.)

“Frequently in a divorce the parties lose much more than they gain,” (James E. Faust, “The Enriching of Marriage,” Ensign, Nov. 1977).

 Gospel Principle
  Divorce can be justified only in the most rare of circumstances, because it often tears people’s lives apart and shears family happiness.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
“Marriage and Divorce,” YouTube video (3 minutes) by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. Elder Oaks teaches how we can heal from the pain of a difficult or broken marriage.