Pornography –I’m not hurting anyone!

But-Pornography is not Victimless

Most of the calls I used to get concerning marriages were for a variety of difficulties like communication, finances or some similar problem they were facing.

In recent years, however, most phone calls have to do with pornography.

“Dr. Brinley, how do you know if your husband is into pornography?” is a typical caller’s question.

I would ask the spouse why she was suspicious.  I recall one woman responding,

“We don’t have a finished basement, except my husband’s office there.  I went down the other night to kiss him goodnight.  I was not wearing shoes.  As I got close to his office, I heard things that sounded like terrible stuff and I was sure it was pornography.  As soon as I appeared at the doorway, he immediately scrambled to turn the screen off.  It was not facing me – so I could not tell for sure.”

I talked to her about checking the browser on the computer when he was not around.

She did, only to find a list of terrible websites that her husband had accessed. She was devastated.  Her heart was broken.  She was frightened about her and her children’s future.

The Pornography Viewer

The person viewing pornography becomes a victim.

“And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” (D&C 42:23.)

The Marriage

The marriage becomes a victim. I am reminded of the statement by President Hinckley:

“One of the most damning influences on earth, one that has caused uncountable grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages is the onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms,” (Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000).

The Spouse – What does a spouse do about it.  This is a serious matter and a threat to any marriage. There are several approaches I think helpful. This first step is to get some knowledge about pornography. For example, learn the signs of a pornography problem.

Learn the Signs of a Pornography Problem

Sexual additions experts Rory Reid and Dan Gray, in their book Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem, identify 10 signs of an existing problem:

1. Loss of interest in sexual relations or insatiable sexual appetite.
2. Introduction of unusual sexual practices in the relationship.
3. Diminished emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy.
4. Neglect of responsibilities.
5. Increased isolation (such as late night hours on the computer); withdrawal from family.
6. Easily irritated, irregular mood swings.
7. Unexplained absences.
8. Preference for masturbation over sexual relations with spouse.
9. Unexplained financial transactions.
10. Sexual relations that are rigid, rushed, without passion, and detached.

Empower yourself by learning about Pornography at LDS.org, Gospel Topics.

Next, Confront the Pornography User

There are several methods of confronting the problem.   If you react to your spouse in a way where you’re anxious, you’re yelling, crying and screaming, he will much more likely focus in on your emotional reaction rather than what you’re trying to say.  Consider one of the following alternatives:

Express your concern. In the initial confrontation, you could express concern for your spouse’s unusual behavior and explain how you feel about it in a non-blaming way.  Due to the secrecy that accompanies a pornography problem, your spouse may be inclined to deny using it.  This may be in the form of minimizing the behavior with an excuse like, “It just popped up when I was surfing the web,” or “It just happened once.”  They may also completely deny the problem by saying, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” If there is denial try confronting with evidence.

Confront with evidence. In this case you may prefer to be able to bring evidence to the next confrontation. Perhaps it is by bringing pornographic magazines that the user has hidden, by bringing up      specific incidents where the user was caught viewing pornography, or through the installation of a computer program that tracks the internet activity on the computer. Still another type of confrontation is confronting with a support group.

Confront with a support group. Confrontation may also take place in the place of a support system such as your bishop or branch president.  The confrontation should be planned so that the delivery can be non-blaming and create the least amount of defensiveness in the spouse.  It is important to understand that individuals will differ in their readiness to admit they have a problem.  It should not be expected that the user will readily want to come forward with all the details of the problem.                   The user may be defensive no matter how well the message is delivered.

The goal of confrontation is to get the pornography user to recognize there is a problem and to seek help.

Each case if different – it depends on what behaviors have gone on and your personal experiences. The important thing is do something!

“… real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence!  Real love does not support self-destructing behavior,” (Russell M. Nelson “Teach Us Tolerance and Love,” Ensign, May 1994).

Dr. Douglas E. Brinley

Gospel Principle

Pornography destroys the user and the marriage. When pornography use is suspected with a spouse, first learn about the signs of pornography addiction and second confront the pornography user.

Additional Information:

“Breaking the Chains of Pornography,” Ensign, Feb. 2001.

“Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem” by Rory C. Reid, LCSW, and Dan Gray, LCSW.

MSBCN Today Show “Husbands Hooked on Porn” 8 minute video.

Dr. Doug Brinley

Dr. Doug Brinley is a retired professor in Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University. The author or co-author of nine books on marriage and family relations. He has a DVD entitled Marital Relations Seminar.  He instituted the LDS Marriage and Family course in the religion department at BYU back in 1995.  It has now become one of the most popular religion classes at  BYU.  He and his wife, Geri, live in Provo and are the parents of six children.