For Better, For Worse, For Always

“Yes,” said Kristi kneeling at the altar in the Salt Lake Temple.
She and her new husband, Nate, were now married for time and all eternity.

Marriage Is More than A “Contract”

Marriage is considered by a great many people as merely a civil contract or agreement between a man and a woman that they will live together in the marriage relation. It is, in fact, an eternal principle upon which the very existence of mankind depends. The Lord gave this law to man in the very beginning of the world as a part of the Gospel law, and the first marriage was to endure forever. According to the law of the Lord every marriage should endure forever,” ( Joseph Fielding Smith, The Perfect Marriage Covenant, Improvement Era, 1931).

Marriage Is A Covenant

Bruce Hafen adds,

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for.  But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through.  They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.  Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will,“  (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov. 1996).

Remember for us marriage is “an everlasting covenant,” (D&C 131:1–4).

Marriage Is Making A Commitment

As a psychologist concerned about marriage and the family, I have seen over and over again the importance of commitment in a marriage.  Each partner must have a strong commitment to the marriage if it is to survive the inevitable hardships brought on by modern-day pressures.

Commitment produces a feeling of stability, which assures both individuals that, although disagreements may surface, the marriage relationship is their top priority and will be preserved.  This allows both to feel safe—without the fear that every problem that arises will lead to greater difficulties.

Love is More of a Decision Than an Emotion

Although the intensity of love in a marriage may rise and fall with changing circumstances, love itself is not the elusive, unpredictable state described in literature and song.  I like to view “love” as a verb.  It is the natural consequence of being treated in a particular way by someone who is important to us.

So the feeling of love can return to a couple who fear they have lost it—if they both begin acting in a manner that demonstrates total commitment.

Sharing of the Heart is Transgression

Commitment to marriage used to be taken for granted when a couple wed, but this is not the case now. More and more marriages are ending because some person other than the spouse or some interest other than the marriage takes priority in the life of one of the partners. In D & C we read:

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else,” (D & C 42:22).

Spencer W. Kimball explains,

“There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband …  when the Lord says ‘all’ thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.

“… the words ‘none else’ eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.

“Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression,”  (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, pages 142-3).

Even Bad Marriages Can Improve

But it should always be remembered that through forgiveness and repentance, even destructive relationships can improve if a selfish, abusive, or unfaithful spouse has the desire and shows the commitment to change.  Individuals contemplating divorce for even the most valid of reasons will be able to make wise decisions only after sincere prayer and careful weighing of the alternatives and seeking the guidance of the Holy Ghost as decisions are made.

GOSPEL PRINCIPLE:

Unless you make a firm commitment to your marriage and your spouse, you will lack the foundation you need for challenges that come.  Committed couples are willing to invest time and energy to strengthen their relationships.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

YouTube Video “Mormon Temples: LDS Temple Marriage, Forever”

S. Brent Scharman, “For Better, for Worse, for Always,” Ensign, Jun. 1991,   p. 25).

Strengthening Marriage: Resource Guide for Couples. (LDS Church 2006) Simple and easy to read 36 page booklet.  Review the section on “Commitment” under the heading Focus On Solving Problems.

Brent Scharman is a licensed psychologist and 33 year employee of LDS Family Services.  His current assignments in Family Services include supervision of international operations, participant on the executive committee assisting with missionary mental health and writer on issues related to marriage and family.  He is a former president of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists and Utah Psychological Association.  Brent is a former board member of the Stepfamily Association of America and continues his interest in issues related to stepfamilies.