She was up at 3 am and again at 5 am with sick kids.  After cleaning up the throw-up she was able get a few minutes of sleep before fixing her husband’s breakfast.  They had family prayer and sent her husband off to work.  He’s been working overtime.  She ran the daughter to violin lessons and the son to gymnastics. She worked on her Young Women lesson as she and her toddler waited in the car.  Just one more day and her husband would be back to his normal schedule.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He filled the empty fishing net. And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.  And when they had this done, they enclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake. (Luke 5:5,6.)

A Needed Rest

At the senior citizen center she volunteers 3 hours a day 4 days a week.  She checks-in the elderly for lunch. On her way to the center this morning she stopped to buy 3-ring binders and a new Boy Scout shirt, for herself.  She was just called by the bishop to help with the scout troop. She now had 9 scouts! After arriving home and taking a rest she went to the genealogy library to do some more work on the “Hill” line.  She’ll be 89 on Monday.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He raised Lazarus from the dead.  Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead. … Then when Jesus came, he found that he had lain in the grave four days already … he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.   And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go (John 11).

No Time for Lunch

First it was a text from his home teaching family asking if he could stop by the hospital and give their son a blessing, he just had a bike accident.  Next came an email marked “urgent” from the boss.  He insisted that the quarterly report be completed early – today by 3:00.   At 5:30 pm he grabbed his lunch as he ran out of his office to catch his son’s 6:00 soccer game.  He takes a bite of his sandwich going down the elevator.   As he gets on the freeway, he notices he has a flat tire.

There’s Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around!

He made the fish and bread to feed the thousand.  And Jesus saith unto them,  How many loaves have ye?  And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes.  And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.  And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.  And they that did eat were four thousand men, beside women and children (Matthew 15: 34-38).

The Lord Can Enlarge Me, Expand Me, Magnify Me!

Gordon B. Hinckley overseen the building of the 21,000 seat Conference Center, the issuance of the Proclamation on the Family, and the creation of the church’s Perpetual Education Fund.  In all, Gordon B. Hinckley dedicated or rededicated 92 different temples — 87 while president of the church — at 97 different dedicatory services- including the historic Nauvoo Illinois Temple.  At the time of Hinckley’s death, approximately one-third of the church’s membership had joined the church under Hinckley’s leadership. ( Gordon B. Hinckley From Wikipedia.)

Done in Wisdom

“Hardest of all is achieving the right mix or balance between competing good things.  No secret formula will achieve this for us … The right balance is probably different for each person and also changes for each person over time.  Above all, a person grounded in the gospel of Jesus Christ and enjoying the sweet companionship of the Holy Ghost will find balance, even—or especially—in the face of overwhelming, unavoidable burdens.” (John C. Taggart, “All Things in Wisdom and Order,” Ensign, Aug. 2010.)

Gospel Principle

God can make enough of me to go around!

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isa. 40: 31.)

Additional Information

Mormon Message-You Tube. Stephanie Nielson, survivor of a near-fatal plane crash, shares her story of a beautiful life centered on faith in Jesus Christ and love of family.

The talk featured at the end of this message  Jeffrey R. Holland, “Lessons from Liberty Jail,” Ensign, Sep. 2009.

Alexander B. Morrison, “On Eagles’ Wings,” New Era, Oct. 1996 .

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “On the Wings of Eagles,” Ensign, Jul. 2006.

He was 73 and has had many Church leadership positions. Up until a few days ago he had been a veil worker at the LDS temple.  He had children and grandchildren who loved and supported him.  (It was easy to see why, he was gentle and kind.)

I noticed a bruise on his cheek.

He told me he had been beat up while he was in jail last week.   He innocently told other inmates his charges – two felony counts of sexual abuse of a child. Jailers moved  him to “secure” for safety until his family bailed him out.

He explained, “I had been tickling my granddaughters.”

Yes, They are Our Neighbors

Most individuals whom I’ve seen because of sexually offending behavior have looked like the people with whom I go to Church!  (And unfortunately on occasion they have been.)

Look at these headlines:

Mormon scoutmaster Jack LaHolt sexually abused children

Former LDS seminary principal pleads guilty to sex abuse charges

Former Mormon stake president pleads guilty in sex solicitation

See the “Sex Offenders” living near you.

National Sex Offender Public Website

I found five.

Why?

Most of us have a hard time understanding how an active member of the LDS Church ends up offending sexually.

David B. Haight explains one possible reason, “What impels these offenders to such terrible deeds…

… growing presence of obscenity has been aided by the lowering of media standards for advertising, by relaxed movie ratings, by television soap operas and situation comedies that use their powerful voices to justify, glamorize, and encourage sexual relations outside of marriage.” (“Personal Morality,” Ensign, Nov. 1984.)

Tickling My Granddaughters

“When one falls into deep sin there apparently are only these two alternative courses available, to repent and do what is necessary to clean it all up  or to rationalize away the consequences and the sting of conscience.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 220.)

Based on my evaluation, it was clear Brother Jones intentionally fondled the private areas of his granddaughters for sexual gratification. Describing his behavior as innocent “tickling” was simply an example of “rationalization,” “Tickling” of grandchildren is innocent and expected of a grandpa and okay as a temple worker.  “Molesting” is not.  

Forgiveness Does Not Remove the Consequences of Sin

The Church’s position includes:

Simply put, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to child abusers.  The Church cooperates fully with law enforcement in investigating incidents of child abuse and bringing perpetrators to justice. President Hinckley has said: “Our hearts reach out to the offender, but we cannot tolerate the sin of which he may be guilty.  Where there has been offense, there is a penalty. …Can child abusers who have paid the legal price for their crimes and gone through a rigorous repentance process with local Church leaders become members of the Church again? Yes. As Christians, we believe in forgiveness.  But can they ever again, in their lifetime, serve in any capacity that would put them in direct contact with children?  Absolutely not.  Forgiveness does not remove the consequences of sin. (Public Issues at LDS.org)

Since 1995 the Church has placed a confidential annotation on the membership record of members who previously abused children.

Brother Jones Goes to Prison

As Brother Jones and I embraced for the last time, he acknowledged he molested his granddaughters and needed help.  We discussed the fact he’d likely be going to prison for quite sometime and would receive help while incarcerated.

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse… Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke.  Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others … But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life … You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another’s life … (Richard G. Scott, “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Ensign, May 2008).

Gospel Principle

Sexual abuse of children is a very serious sin.  For those having offended sexually, steps of repentance are long, difficult and painful.

Additional Information

- Scriptures Luke 17: 2 and D&C 121: 22.

- Richard G. Scott, “Finding Forgiveness,” Ensign, May 1995.

- Sites to help those with sexual problems:

Candeo – This site provides proven methods and tools based on actual brain science that will empower you to stop your unwanted pornography viewing and masturbation.

Sexhelp.com - This site was created by noted psychologist and author, Dr. Patrick Carnes, to help those affected by sexual addiction and compulsivity, whether it be the addict or the friend or loved one of the addict.

I sat in his front room as he went on and on describing how he believed he was “a worthless soul.”

Such a good man and family.  They were just completing Family Home Evening with their children as I arrived.  I could see their garden in the back and their scriptures on the couch.

What enemy could be so powerful to push this good brother to this depth?

This type of despair can be caused by a multiple of problems such as poor self-esteem, mental illness, or just circumstances of life.  After visiting with him, it was clear he wasn’t haven’t an affair, suffering from mental illness, hooked on pornography, or hiding some addiction…

No, unfortunately his problem was much worse than any of these.

The Enemy

My clinical opinion was – Satan had succeeded in “stealing” his  belief in his “Divine Identity and Worth”. (Family: A Proclamation To The World.)

This man was harboring years of criticism from others.  It began with his parents telling him “He can’t do anything right.”  Teachers reinforcing the label by saying, “You’re stupid.”  An employer emphasizing, “You’re not selling enough.” His wife reminding him regularly, “I wish you would be a better husband and father.”  And the straw that broke the camel’s back — “Today, I couldn’t fix my truck!”

The result – I’m a failure, no good …. a worthless soul.

I wanted to thunder out

“When you say, “I can’t! I can’t solve my problems!”  I want to thunder out, “Don’t you realize who you are? Haven’t you learned yet that you are a son or a daughter of Almighty God? Do you not know that there are powerful resources inherited from Him that you can call upon to give you steadiness and courage and great power?” (Boyd K. Packer, “Self-Reliance,” Ensign, Aug. 1975.)

Forgetting who we really are

“… the theft of our eternal identity has much longer effects and more dire consequences.  I am not talking about addresses, credit cards, or any other identifying numbers.  I am talking about something much more basic and more important than who the world thinks you are.  I am talking about who you think you are  … Satan is totally dedicated to thwarting and derailing this marvelous plan-of-happiness knowledge and process. We know that one of his primary tools is to entice us to forget who we really are – to fail to realize or to forget our divine potential.  This is the cruelest form of identity theft…” (Robert C. Oaks, “Your Divine Heritage,” Ensign, Apr. 2008).

What Satan doesn’t want you to know

Satan doesn’t want you to know that your true worth is: Precious (Ps. 49:8; Alma 31:35), Great (D & C 18:10); and more precious than fine gold (Isa. 13: 12).

Boyd K. Packer reminds us:

“No idea has been more destructive of happiness, no philosophy has produced more sorrow, more heartbreak and mischief; no idea has done more to destroy the family than the idea that we are not the offspring of God,…” (“Our Moral Environment,” Ensign, May 1992).

When one feels the truth of this answer, his / her reality will immediately change… forever.

“Establish in the mind of a … person the powerful idea that he or she is a child of God and you have been given self-respect and motivation to move against the problems of life….” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Powerful Ideas,” Ensign, Nov. 1995).

It could take months of hard work (especially if the wife doesn’t change) to re-teach this brother to recognize his worth.

Gospel Principle

As individuals realize “who” they really are and accept their personal “self-worth” their dignity and happiness will be enhanced.  Denying or ignoring self-worth contradicts the work and glory of God.

Additional Resources

The power of “faith in one’s self” is illustrated by this 30 second video The Greatest.

Elder James E. Faust, “Self-Esteem: A Great Human Need” at Brigham Young University, 23 August 1983.

A collection of LDS articles can be located at “Self-Esteem, Self-Worth” on the LDS Family Services Website.

- The ultrasound was complete. The doctor told the prospective parents there was a cyst on the baby’s brain.

- The divorce wasn’t even final before his wife learned about her husband’s girlfriend.

- She was discharged from the mental hospital in Utah. Her parents located her at a bus stop in Las Vegas.

- The foreclosure on the home was final. The family had to be out by Saturday.

- There was nothing more the doctors could do. The young father died.

What do all these families have in common?
Each have completed a session at a local LDS temple.

The Doubt And Fear Of Our Times

“We are living through turbulent times.  A great storm of evil has come upon the earth. The winds of wickedness howl about us; the waves of war beat against our ship.  As Paul wrote to Timothy: “In the last days perilous times shall come (2 Tim. 3:1)…” (Robert D. Hales, “Faith through Tribulation Brings Peace and Joy,” Ensign, May 2003).

For some, the peril of the “last days” feels like it’s here today!

As I look into the eyes of others and hear their personal stories of tragedy, at times I see the doubt and fear of our times.  We are in a world where we experience mental illness, addiction, unemployment, war, natural disasters, economic downturns, immorality, and crime – just to mention a few.  Some might wonder, “How can I deal with such a serious problem?” or “Where is God’s power?”

Nothing “In This World”

From time to time, each of us is confronted with a challenge where it seems there is nothing “in this world” we can do to resolve it.  This is especially true regarding the unwanted behavior of a loved one.

With our personal skill and knowledge we can competently complete so many tasks.  We can fix the car, pay a bill, weed the garden, have the surgery, etc. We feel surprised or discouraged -perhaps even powerless – when we face a problem that seems “we” cannot fix.

Misinformed You Are Powerless

Only the unfaithful and weaklings argue they are powerless.  There is ALWAYS something very powerful you can do to influence a desired change, regardless of the tribulation or challenge you might face.

“I wonder if we can ever really fathom the immense power of prayer until we encounter an overpowering, urgent problem and realize that we are powerless to resolve it. Then we will turn to our Father in humble recognition of our total dependence on Him” (Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007).

“He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face” (Thomas S. Monson, “Looking Back and Moving Forward,” Ensign, May 2008,pp. 87–90).

Today’s Trial, Tomorrow’s Testimony

“As part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption, all people experience adversity during their lifetime. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but with the help of the Lord they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress.” (Adversity, Gospel Topics)

Gospel Principle

The ways to cope with adversity may vary.  However, one skill should be constant — trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  The prophet Alma taught, “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

Additional Resources

- Good Things to Come.  From: MormonMessages.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland recalls his days as a poor young father with a broken-down family car and testifies that for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, there are better days and good things to come.  Read the entire talk  An High Priest Of Good Things To Come.

- Henry B. Eyring, “Adversity,” Ensign, May 2009.

- Adversity, LDS Family Services, Library of Helpful Information.

…speaking the truth in love, may (we) grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: (Eph. 4: 13-15).

My years of working with individuals who daily face tremendous sexual temptations have taught me that there is no special formula that works for everyone.  This life is an individual journey and each person, under heavenly direction, must find the resources that will best aid them in confronting their earthly trials.  However, there are certain common factors necessary in creating an environment where growth can take place. They are:

Knowing Our True Identity

When we are weighed down by mortal challenges and temptations the knowledge that we are children of God, spiritually begotten in the premortal life, can provide strength, comfort, and hope.  This hope comes from a true understanding that as His children we already have a special relationship with Him and with His son, our brother, Jesus Christ.  We can go to them in prayer at any time with the assurance that they care deeply and the anticipation that we will not be asked to carry a burden too difficult for us to endure.   (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)

To obtain eternal life means to become like Heavenly Father, to live like Him, and to receive a fullness of joy. You can receive eternal life if you abide by the same laws as God and do the  things He does. (God Loveth His Children,  p.2; 2007, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.)

I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror and repeat this affirmation every day.

I am His child, no earthly challenge can destroy my eternal possibilities, and His promises are sure if I will do my part by

remaining faithful.

Without question, knowing, believing and acting on this promise is the most important protection and strength anyone can possess.

Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Finding the time to strengthen ourselves by serving others and the careful selection of friends and mentors who are leading righteous lives of virtue will bring light and love into a difficult day. When we spend time with others who share our beliefs and are committed to the same covenants we have made there is less room to accommodate the presence of the adversary or his temptations.  As God has commanded,

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31.)

We were created to be relational beings by a God who seeks a close and intimate relationship with us and he knows we are strengthened by virtuous relationships with others. As it is written in Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend”, and so we will be sharpened or dulled by the relationships we cultivate.

Having Realistic Expectations

When we are experiencing a particularly difficult challenge it is easy to seek a quick fix and become impatient with the growth process. Learning to say “no” to our flesh and “yes” to the Spirit is a lifelong course. When our behaviors have developed an addictive pattern or our thoughts have become somewhat obsessive, the journey to freedom can seem long and hard. This is when having realistic expectations is critical. Changing and repenting takes time.

We were not intended to struggle alone and the sacrifices we make to obey the commandments ultimately lead to sanctification.  As the Apostle Paul taught:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. (2 Cor 12:7.)

The fruit of these unwanted trials in the life of Paul, and in our own lives, is the blessing we gain when we come to understanding that we are completely dependant on God and that the atonement of the Savior is more than sufficient for our needs.

Gospel Principle

We become stronger by remembering and doing the simple things. We need to know who we are and to whom we belong, we must involve ourselves with the best activities and individuals available, and we have to remain patient and realistic to permit the growth process to work the slow miracles Heavenly Father has promised.

Sincerely,

Dave Pruden

Additional Information

Ardeth Kapp talking about your true identity.

Relationships, Evergreen International by Jason Park.

Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Little Things Count,” New Era, May 1988.

David is the director of Evergreen International. He directs the day-to-day operations of the organization, supervises the staff and volunteers, and manages the budgets.

He is also involved in fundraising and interacting with the public.

Evergreen International is the most complete resource for Latter-day Saints on same-sex attraction.

I invited her in.
She lowered her head and stood silently.

The video camera was rolling. The microphone in the nearby potted plant was on.  Sally’s parents waited anxiously outside in the waiting room.

Authorities were collecting evidence from 3 ½ year old Sally. Allegedly she was sexually abused by her 16-year-old cousin.  (Most children are abused by family members or close friends  and very rarely by a stranger.)  Sally’s initial interview was unsuccessful – She wouldn’t talk.  As an expert interviewer, it was now my turn to try and collect “evidence”.

What To Do Next

When you suspect sexual abuse you have two responsibilities: Helping the child and Reporting to legal authorities.

Reporting To Legal Authorities

When child sexual abuse is suspected most states require you to tell authorities like a policeman or a child protective service worker.  Determining guilt or innocence of an alleged perpetrator is the responsibility of the legal system, not yours.

Those reporting alleged abuse in good faith are immune from prosecution. The state agency receiving the report will conduct an investigation and can take action to protect a child.

Prosecuting a sexual criminal case can take weeks and can be complicated. If you have any questions about what you should or shouldn’t do with your child during the investigation ask the legal authorities.

Not Guilty

“Not Guilty” in court is not always representative of the “truth”.  The law requires a certain burden of proof.  If that burden is not met, the alleged perpetrator is freed regardless of whether s/he committed the offense or not.

Don’t be too discouraged if the alleged perpetrator is not convicted.  God is just.  He has warned: “Whoso shall offend one of these little ones … , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt 18:6).

Church Leaders

As a member of the LDS Church contacting your church leader can also be helpful.  The LDS Church has a 24-hour help line for lay leaders attempting to deal with cases of abuse, especially child abuse. (LDS Hotline to Help Leaders Deal with Abuse, Deseret News.)

Help the Child

If a child begins to talk about sexual abuse, encourage him or her to talk freely.  Don’t make judgmental comments.

-Show that you understand and take seriously what the child is saying. Children who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not.  The response to the initial disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the child’s ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.

-Assure the child that they did the right thing in telling.  A child who is close to the perpetrator may feel guilty about revealing the secret.  The child may feel frightened if the perpetrator has threatened to harm the child or other family members as punishment for telling.

-Tell the child that s/he is not to blame for the sexual abuse. Most children in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it.

-Offer the child protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops and to get help.

(Adapted from AACAP. For additional help, see Responding To Child Sexual Abuse).

- Finally, pray with your child.  As with any health concern – pray. Make sure you bless the child and the alleged perpetrator. (Prayer and Promptings, Boyd K. Packer.)

Empower the Child

Speaking about abuse, Elder Scott said,

The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal … But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy … If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t decide to fix it yourself.  Serious abuse can also benefit from professional help… (“To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Ensign, May 2008).

Sally’s Case Not Prosecuted

Although I followed standard interviewing techniques, Sally was unable to share.  We were confident Sally had been abused, but there was insufficient evidence for a criminal case to be filed.

I advised her parents to seek help for Sally as if she had been sexually abused.

Gospel Principle

When child sexual abuse is suspected reporting to proper legal authorities holds the alleged perpetrator accountable and creates resources to protect the child.  A responsible adult can empower a child by how they respond to the child’s disclosure and by seeking appropriate help.

Additional Information

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued the following official statement on Child Abuse.

LDS Family Services provides a variety of articles related to Abuse.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) Child Sexual Abuse.

The mother called my office about her 8 year old boy, Billy.  Billy had been acting differently in recent weeks, particularly after his visits with his father, her ex-husband.   Billy’s grades had dropped.  A few weeks ago she received a call from the school because of inappropriate sexual comments he had made on the playground.  During primary class last Sunday Billy drew genitalia on a picture he made of Joseph Smith’s first vision.  And now he was having nightmares almost every night.  The mother concluded by saying, “I asked him what was wrong?   And he said, ‘Nothing.’ ”

The shame and guilt experienced by a child who has been sexually abused is significant.  Behavior and emotional changes usually provide the best indicators of sexual abuse.

Beyond Understanding

I’ve experienced a lot of horrific life stories, but NONE have been as painful as listening to young children talk about their sexual victimization.

The terrible, vicious practice of sexual abuse … is beyond understanding.  It is an affront to the decency that ought to exist in every man and woman.  It is a violation of that which is sacred and divine.  It is destructive in the lives of children.”   (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994.)

Definition

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older child/adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation.  It includes asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact with a child, viewing of the child’s genitalia, or using a child to produce child pornography.

Prevention Strategies That Work

Sexual abuse of a child is every parent’s worst nightmare.  Living LDS gospel standards doesn’t grant immunity.  It can happen to any child in any family. Still, there is a lot we can do to keep children safe.  Here are a few suggestions:

- Teach children about the sacredness of their own bodies.  Teach children that no one has the right to touch them inappropriately.  Be sure they understand which parts of their bodies are private and what inappropriate touching is.

- Build a trusting relationship with your child. Be a safe person for your child to talk to.   Ask your child to tell you about things that don’t feel right.

- Know where your children are and with whom. But don’t be paranoid, an overreaction can also cause problems.

For additional ideas see subheading Prevention in the Ensign article “Hope and Healing”.

Warning Signs

-Listen to spiritual promptings (Watching with All Perseverance, Elder Bednar).

When a child…

-Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues,
-Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images,
-Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child,
-Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad,
-Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge,
- Has new words for private body parts,
-Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering),
-Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games,
-Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal.

For a more comprehensive list of warning signs see Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse.

Be Aware

If you do discover sexual abuse, be grateful.  The only thing worse than finding out that your child is being sexually abused, is not finding out.  Once you know the truth you can take appropriate steps to protect and empower your child.

Gospel Principle

Sexual abuse of children is horrific.  Children who are influenced by others into sexual relations are victims and are not guilty of any sexual sin.  Adults can prevent child sexual abuse by applying prevention strategies and by becoming aware of early warning signs.

Additional Information

- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued the following official statement on Child Abuse.

- LDS Family Services provides a variety of articles related to Abuse.

- The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) Child Sexual Abuse.

- Video: Psychologist advices on how to recognize the warning signs of child sexual abuse. (7 minutes) This video is full of excellent content.

Acknowledgement:

We appreciate Linda Garner as a co-author of this article.

Over the years, she had surrendered her “freedom to choose” positive feelings.
Her family would criticize her and as a result she would feel depressed and frustrated.

She had given-in to using her “family’s yardstick” to measure her own self-esteem.  At times she was actually responding as if her family’s words, in some magical way, controlled her feelings and behavior.

Her feelings and behavior were no longer hers, but a response to theirs.

The tragedy of this scenario was this good woman was a very talented, bright, caring, wonderful person!  In my opinion, she was not doing anything seriously wrong and the criticism from her family was unwarranted!  In her case, like many others, the offending behavior seemed to be more a reflection of her family’s emotional and mental problems than of her own.

Her “family’s yardstick,” which she had been using to evaluate herself, was flawed.  This family’s yardstick measures were arbitrary and worked more like a rubber band.

No wonder, she could never figure out why she never measured up.

“They Of Her Own Household”

I’ve actually heard people say, and believe about another, that “You make me mad!”  “You hurt my feelings!” or  “You ruined my day!” while blaming another person, usually a family member, for his/her personal feelings and behavior.

There is no doubt about the truthfulness of this scripture: “And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household” (Matt. 10:36).  We don’t have to look far from our daily routine to find a foe/enemy capable of destroying us.

Believing another can offend you is fundamentally false

David A. Bednar shares fundamental truth about relationships:

“However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.  In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14).  As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice.  Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon.  To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation…In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.” (And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Ensign, Nov, 2006,)

Self-Esteem Influences ALL

Your self-esteem influences all of your thoughts, feelings and actions.

“Self-esteem is the glue that holds together our self-reliance, our self-control, our self-approval or disapproval, and keeps all self-defense mechanisms secure.”  (Elder James E. Faust, “Self-Esteem: A Great Human Need” at Brigham Young University, 23 August 1983.)

When you choose to use someone else’s yardstick instead of  MEASURING UP and using God’s Yardstick, disaster will surely and always result!

Gospel Principle

At times we choose to be acted upon and have our self-esteem measured using someone else’s yardstick!  When we absorb the criticism, the insult, the harsh words of another into our very soul disaster will result.  We feel depressed and frustrated.  When we measure UP and use God’s Yardstick we each have great worth and value — everyday, all day long!   “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10).

Additional Information

A collection of LDS articles can be located at “Self-Esteem, Self-Worth” on the LDS Family Services Website.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf retells the story of the ugly duckling and urges us to reflect on who we really are — sons and daughters of a glorious Heavenly Father.

He is well trained having both an MBA and CPA.  Not to mention he has 3 kids and a new home – plus one of the best wives on the planet – my daughter!

Getting fired, unfortunately, can happen to any of us particularly in these hard economic times where the national unemployment rate is around 10%.

Moving On

Typically, the first thing a newly fired person does is beat themselves up.  Even when the job loss is because of the economy there is still the stigma of being terminated.

My advice – don’t dwell on it.  As hard as it may be, and it is hard, you need to get over getting fired and move on.  You need to be able to convince employers that, regardless of what happened in the past, you are a strong candidate for the position and can do the job.

After you check where you stand as far as benefits and unemployment, then get going on a job search. Focus on your skills and experience, rather than the termination.

New LDSJOBS.ORG website can help

With severe economic challenges affecting the nation and many parts of the world, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has established a new website ldsjobs.org to help Church members find employment.

Provides resources on the following topics:

- Helping Small Businesses Succeed

- Connecting Students with the Right School

- Finding Good Employees Just Got Easier

- Stakes and Wards

The new LDSjobs.org site has a variety of helpful brief videos. Here’s a sample.

“Watch Mark’s Story”

Other LDS Employment Resources

The Church has numerous Employment Resource Centers from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.  A person can find trained professionals to help at a center.  You can find a center near you here – Find a Center.

Another excellent Church source for helping those unemployed is located at the LDS Family Services website Helping With Employment.

I Am Not My Job

I continue to encourage and support our son-in-law and daughter in their job search.  As I see them experience their hard times I remind them, “You are not your job! ”

“There is no shame in any honorable work … Honorable work is a basic source of happiness, self-worth, and prosperity” (Boyd K. Packer, “The Gospel—The Foundation for Our Career,” Ensign, May, 1982).

Gospel Principle

“As companies continue to downsize or close, even ideal employees may find themselves needing to find new employment.  This is an opportunity to rely on the Lord, to grow, and to be strengthened.  If you are seeking a new job, increase your faith in the Lord’s desire and power to bless you.  Also seek counsel from those you trust, and don’t be afraid to network and ask for help in finding a new job. … And, above all, be grateful.  Express your gratitude in prayer for all that has been given to you.  Heavenly Father loves you.  His Son has promised, ‘all these things shall give [you] experience, and shall be for [your] good’ (D&C 122:7). “A Gospel Vision of Welfare: Faith in Action,” in Basic Principles of Welfare and Self-Reliance (2009), pp. 1–3.

Additional Information

Derin Head Rodriguez, “The Job-Search Network,” Ensign, Feb. 1993, p. 24.

2009 Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Basic Principles of Welfare and Self-Reliance.

In February 2009, a DVD was produced to provide training for priesthood leaders and Relief Society presidencies on basic principles of welfare and self-reliance.  The DVD includes messages from Elder Robert D. Hales, Sister Julie B. Beck, Bishop H. David Burton, and President Thomas S. Monson. Audio and video files are available free in numerous languages.

President Obama says he is committed to creating the most open and accessible administration in American history.  So I called the White House to visit with him about some of my personal concerns.

A receptionist answered the phone, “White House.” I asked if I could talk to the President and that I had some concerns.  She transferred me to another line.  I received a tape recording “President’s Comment Line” saying, “We are closed.”

When I call upon God in prayer, he is not that way. The call always goes through. No foreign voice. No voice recording. No support staff is going to answer.

We are His children.  He’s not out of the office when we call.  He’s not disinterested in our concerns.  We’re not boring him.  We can never talk too long.  He will hear us out.

Calling Upon God

Prayer is our means of calling Heavenly Father, the Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth.

Only a fool would not take advantage of such a resource.

Our Heavenly Father has a voice to speak, ears to hear, eyes to see, and angels to send.  There really is an almighty God with whom we can have a personal relationship.  I can talk to Him and He can talk to me.  David O. McKay said “You cannot imagine an effective prayer without visualizing and feeling a personal God.” (Treasures of Life, Deseret Book, 1963, p. 308.)

Relationship, Relationship, Relationship

Therapy research has now identified the “therapeutic relationship”  or  sometimes referred to as “therapeutic alliance” as being more powerful than any specific psychological technique!  That is, the therapist’s relationship skills, rather than techniques or theoretical orientations, are the more important aspects of effectively changing another’s life.

As mental health professionals, we are trained that the alliance with the patient is most effective when the therapist exhibits some of the following traits: warmth, friendliness, genuineness, empathy, active listening skills, and concern.

If this is true on earth, it is true in heaven.

Who better than God to have perfect relationship skills?

Having a relationship with God, changes lives.

We are eternal beings.  We came from God.  We will return to God.

When God is believed in as our Eternal Father, we can to a degree understand our relationship to him—that he is the Father of our spirits, a loving parent who is interested in his children individually and whom they can love with all their hearts, might, mind, and strength.  Such a belief is essential to true prayer because intelligent beings will not pray fervently to a God they do not know.  Such praying will be done only by people who believe their prayers can be heard and answered by an understanding, sympathetic parent. (“Pray Always” An address delivered at general conference October 7, 1944 by Marion G. Romney.)

God Smiles When He Sees You

When God hears us calling Him, he rejoices.  Even if we’ve done wrong.  Like the prodigal son coming home.  The father wanted to see his son and celebrated his return.  “But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15: 20).  That’s the picture we need to have of God when we visualize Him in prayer.

As we make a habit of approaching God in prayer, we will come to know Him and draw ever nearer to Him.

If you don’t feel the power of His relationship – the therapeutic alliance, keep calling back, keep asking for God.  Eventually, a personal relationship will come.   Perhaps the most powerful life changing experience any of us could have would be, to have a relationship with God.

Gospel Principle

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God,… “ (John 17:3.)

Additional Information

“The Only True God & Jesus Christ Whom He Has Sent” by Jeffrey R. Holland.

Robert D. Hales, “Seeking to Know God, Our Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ,” Ensign, Nov. 2009.